From Now On (Bangtan Boys Yoonseok FF)
by FredericBlanc
Summary: When the boy met evil, everything was ground to crumbs. Hoseok was a desperate bright sunshine and Yoongi was a sweet monster within. If the two met, it would whether be the sunshine lost, or the monster begone. But neither happened, because this is reality, not a fairy tale. (BTS Fanfiction, BxB, Yoonseok/Sope, slow burn, fluff & angst, canon AU, pre-canon, trainee and idol life)
1. INTRO: Boy Meets Evil

_**1\. INTRO: Boy Meets Evil**_

 _From now on, the boy's path is set._

* * *

 _The light in my future is getting darker._

It was warm. It was cold. Outside was dark. In the room was bright.

Regardless of how the world was, he felt empty. He knew what was to come. The weight on him whispered right before his ears. The breath exhaled filled his whole nerve and soul. It was nice. It was tempting. It was evil.

Warmth hit his lips. Despite it being heated, in the back of his head, his conscience sensed coldness. The brown-haired man ignored it, blinding himself, leaning to his outer senses. He held tight the shorter, dominating man above him. His mind tricked him into tasting sweetness.

 _Because of an immature love, I lost my path of dream._

He gulped once. His awareness was still lingering on the tip of his brunette hair. He was still sane. Half-consciously, he knew he was destructing himself.

 _I sharpened my knife of poisonous ambition everyday._

His ear felt ticklish by warmth and wetness. The feeling went down near to his nape, to his shoulder, and ended on his collarbone. Then, he forgot his identity. He forgot his capability. He forgot his purpose.

He pushed his head to the back, eyes shut from cruel world outside.

 _But due to unbearable greed, the knife has gotten dull._

"Hobi?"

That was it. The voice of the other man made him forget how to breathe.

 _I know it all. Love is another name of devil, don't hold its hand._

 _I screamed, betraying my conscience._

Yet, drown by the sweetness of the deep voice, Hoseok lost most of his will to push the man away. The other man was very fond of calling him that, and it meant endless praises.

"Yoongi…," Hoseok's voice was weak, " _hyung_."

Yoongi caressed the younger's hair. Hoseok shivered in restlessness, feeling sedated and aroused at the same time. Weakening, his hands dropped from Yoongi's back to his sides. Yoongi took both of Hoseok's wrists, gripped them, and placed them beside the younger's neck.

 _The sharpness of reality that I feel as days go by._ _Ripped by reality, tinged red by blood._

Hoseok opened his eyes just to be unable to see the other man's face. It was dark. The light swaying from his window got him snapped for a while. Reality was calling for him, but it was a murmur to his ears. He was too powerless to answer. Too drown deep to be awake.

 _I didn't think greed would be a horn calling forth hell._

As reality snapped the center of his head, he thought his chest was torn invisibly. But the lips tracing down his skin was like water healing his sufferings.

 _Breath._

"Breathe," Yoongi demanded softly, "while you can."

Just when Hoseok did as told, he felt coldness on his neck, and fire spreading through fingers pressing.

 _I am out of breath._

He nearly choked to it. Responding the increasing pressure, he was out of breath. He was drenched in sweat. His back, his hands, his hair, his nape, and now his whole neck. He was blown away.

 _Closing my eyes every night in a twisted reality._

 _The music box of tragedy plays._

Hoseok closed his eyes and was met with darkness. An unavoidable sensation embraced the back of his ear, damp and hot. It creeped to his jaw, left cheek, the top of his long nose, down to his chin. He moaned a scattered voice.

 _But to be forgiven for this sin, to forget it, I just can't give up._

Finally, it reached his lips. They were body to body, lips to lips. Yoongi knew well how to do this, and Hoseok felt cornered. His pain and stimulation were confused, leaving him feeling overwhelmed. His sight was hazy and his mind went dizzy.

 _As those lips were just too sweet._

Hoseok lost his sanity. He was drown in euphoria and high on lust. It was sweet. He hated it. He loved it.

Hands trembling, Hoseok reached Yoongi's nape. He buried his claws there. Between the tight embraces, the aggresive bites, the mad lust, and the choked breath, Hoseok just couldn't help it.

 _My future was abandoned for the love for you._

"I … love you…, _hyung_."

 _When I woke up, mines were everywhere._

 _Untouchable cold gazes that I can't bear._

Suddenly, Hoseok shed down tears.

 _I cry for miracle in this reality._

His conscience couldn't give him a lie.

 _I was crazily infatuated with you._

 _I was a fool addicted to your sweetness._

Despite what Hoseok said, Yoongi tightened his grip and deepen his kissing. Smacking every inches until it tasted like nothing.

 _Yeah, a fool._

Yoongi went crazy.

 _I didn't want to let go the touch of the devil._

And Hoseok did too.

 _Too bad, but it's too sweet._

Since it all was sweet. Since Yoongi was Suga. Since Hoseok let himself fall. Since temptations were irresistible. Since Yoongi was irresistible. For those all, this happened.

 _It's too sweet, it's too sweet._

Hoseok was out of his breath. He had no thoughts. His body went listless. His hands fell down. His whole body stopped straining.

 _It's too evil._

As his sight went darker, consciousness fading away, he felt his heart twitch.

 _Yeah, it's evil._


	2. PROLOGUE: Butterfly (1)

**_2\. PROLOGUE: Butterfly_**

 _From now on, the butterfly breaks._

* * *

Colours were running around as in water flowing. They were everywhere—right to left, front to back, above to below. They mixed with one another and created endless saturated palette. Moving leisurely, they painted one huge, vibrant butterfly.

The butterfly stayed still, but it looked so full of energy. The colours kept moving to every directions while maintaining their high saturation. It was such a pleasure to the eyes.

However, the beauty had to come to an end. A drop of dull green tinged the tip of the butterfly's antenna. The obscurity traced to its head, and then spreaded everywhere like a crack. For one second, the butterfly was consumed by bright purplish pink and emerald green. In the next flicker, everything was broken, plunged into dark, unidentified void.

The void was as empty as his eyes. Spacing out, Jung Hoseok recalled that dream of his the other night. Dreams had never meant a significant thing to him, but the dancer remembered it like he was still there.

It was getting late in the afternoon, towards evening, and Plug In Music Academy was no longer as busy. But Hoseok had his own things to do that day. Accompanied by the silent lights, mirrors, and speakers, he waited in the academy's dance room, sitting still on the parquet floor, back leaning on clean white wall. He initially planned to save his energy thinking he had practiced to midnight the day before, but he ended up spacing out due to lack of sleep.

Hoseok shook his head, then fixed his swarthy hair using his svelte fingers. His hair had already gotten pretty long; he would have to cut it soon. Trying to get his focus, he stuffed his ears with earphones and turned on his mini MP3 player, hoping to listen to some undergroud tracks or his dance songs.

The second the beat started, he recognized the song right away. It was "Solo" by Dynamic Duo.

He hesitated for a moment. Staring at the MP3 player blankly, his other hand's fingers tapped his bag in an anxious attitude. The song held some quite important memories to him, but it was not the time to be reminded of his broken love life and be all sentimental over her. He brought himself to press next, and a mellow song played.

Hoseok's mind wandered, but not due to the music he was listening. He tried to convince himself. He recently quitted being JYP Entertainment's trainee, which took lots of his courage. He had spent days contemplating at home under his blanket and feeling trailing restlessness with no end. He finally decided to move on and went for Big Hit Entertainment.

That was the reason why he was here. He was supposed to have the audition the day, in his academy, in the very room.

The dancer's stomach felt queasy as nervousness piled up. Uncertain future often got him really worried. Feeling the presence of sweat under his long white t-shirt, he stood up and walked towards the air conditioner beside the door. He raised his head, sensing the cool air flowing through his face. He wished the air could bring all his doubts away, out to the door, and be vanished for good.

" _Tch_ ," Hoseok mumbled aimlessly, fanning himself, "just what are you thinking, Jung Hoseok?"

A rap song pierced through his ears. It was the song he planned to dance to. He fell silent, then smiled almost invisibly and stated to himself, _good things will come soon_.

His eyes turned to gaze at his right side, the mirror. He looked at his own figure. He saw a man in loose clothes; the upper was white and the lower was red. He knew this man well. The man could dance, yet was anxious. He was usually hopeful, but life hit him. He chuckled at the thought and did a bit popping to the beat, eyes checking how he moved from the mirror. He took a short break just to catch his do-rag in the bag and wear it neatly around his head. If he were to dance with all his might, the item is a must. He put his MP3 player in his pocket and continued his dancing with aptitude.

Not nearly five minutes later, the brown door was opened. Hoseok jumped, almost tripped. Weren't he near the door, he might have been ignorant and continued enjoying himself shamelessly.

His coach, a middle-aged and happy man, came in. After making sure that his student was in the room, he let a woman with a camera and tripod in.

"This is Jung Hoseok, or Smile Hoya should I say," His coach introduced, followed by Hoseok's polite smile, "he's the one who will be auditioned."

"Nice to meet you," said the woman, shaking hands with Hoseok. "I am one of Big Hit's audition team staff. We have considered your background and experiences in dancing, which is why we would like to audition you right away."

Hoseok bit his sudden grin and nodded.

"We currently have this hip-hop group named Bulletproof. This group was supposed to debut this year, but it needs to be delayed due to a format change on the group. If you are accepted in this audition, you will be put into that group, undergo some trainings, and most likely have your debut next year."

Hoseok felt excitement pumping in his veins and fantasies about future popping in his head. He tried his best to calm down.

"For the audition, you are tasked to record your dance with this camera."

Hoseok took the camera handed to him with both hands and asked, "Is there any qualifications for the dance?"

"There isn't. Please do what you are good at."

A confident smile was etched to Hoseok's face. He thanked the staff who then went out, and turned on the music right away.

~ ᶋ ~

The sky was dyed dark blue and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Day had turned night. Street lights were ignited in every corner in Gwangju. Some places were closing, and schools should have been closed at such time, but Hoseok delayed his.

Two and a half hours had passed already.

Hoseok's coach sighed. How come was his student so diligent, while he himself could get tired just by watching? This student of his was very capable in dancing, even was accepted to JYP, and pretty obviously he could get through Big Hit without giving such a large amount of efforts. Yet, Hoseok was still all perfectionistic and kept redoing the recording.

The song ended again, and Hoseok approached the camera to stop it. His coach felt the need to say something.

"Hoseok, are you not done yet?"

The student wiped his streaming sweat. He gave a pause before answering, "No. I think the ending wasn't smooth enough." He picked up his towel and rubbed his neck thoroughly.

The coach let out another sigh. "It's been more than two hours."

Hoseok was surprised. "Really? I thought I have only recorded, like, five times."

"Yes, you have." The older man stood, approached the camera, and took it off the tripod. "Let this be the last one. I'll hold this for you. Look, I think you've done great, but the workers want to go home too, you know. You're not the only one tired here."

Hoseok threw his towel and checked his appearance. "I'm not tired," He said, then turned to his coach.

 _That's not the point_ , the coach wanted to say, but he chuckled instead. "Okay, let's start. Don't forget that the screen is limited from the speaker on the floor to that door. Try not to move too much from there."

Hoseok nodded. His coach started the music and the camera.

~ ᶋ ~

Time passed by in a flash.

It felt like Hoseok had just done his audition days ago, but it was already two months. It felt so short with all the practice he had done everyday, the lessons from academy he took, the moments spent with his family, and his inner frustrations piling up. It felt like it was just yesterday when his mother comforted him with her warm voice, "Cheer up, you may meet the best people not in the best company," even though he knew that she was disappointed in him. But there it was, the letter from Big Hit Entertainment sitting prettily in his mailbox.

Just as the expressive and cheerful he always had been, Hoseok was hysterical. He rushed inside his house, calling for his mother and sister, screaming as if he had already been accepted.

But it was fine, since he was actually accepted to Big Hit. To Bulletproof. To _Bangtan_.

Even though it wasn't his first time being accepted as a trainee, he was just as panicked. He packed right away that night, since the letter stated that he would be living in Bangtan's dorm. He read the letter multiple times. He couldn't get the hype out of himself. He kept whooping merrily. He had gained his parents' consent, so he would definitely leave for Seoul the first thing tomorrow—or probably after a touching farewell with his family.

It would be the start of one major change in Jung Hoseok's life.

~ ᶋ ~

That night, Hoseok dreamed of the butterfly again. The exact same. It got him awaken with an internal jolt early at dawn. He was anxious for a moment, but as reality flew into his awareness, his excitement took over his body.

It was morning, but the sun wasn't so bright. Hoseok took a look outside the window to see that snowfall was taking place. Snow usually did make him lethargic, but not that day.

It was Christmas Eve, and the station was crowded yet lively. His parents sent him off. The son left with a smile and a promise that he would succeed.

On train, he had almost fallen asleep when his phone vibrated. It was a message from his friends congratulating him and looking forward to his debut, to which he grinned. Minutes later, there were messages from his coaches too. The news spreaded fast. Hoseok decided to reply to them all later.

Arriving in Seoul, he took a taxi, assuming that the driver would know where the agency was. They were lost a bit, but fortunately got to the headquarter safely in the end.

Jung Hoseok, a street dancer from Gwangju, looking all innocent and fresh, was ready to initiate his trainee life.

He had never gone there before, and he didn't know the idols under the company's management really well either. Walking up the stairs, the greenhorn pushed the glass door, entering Big Hit Entertainment's building half shyly. He was asked whether there was anything he wanted to be helped with, and he said he was told to come, showing his audition letter. Then, he was made to wait for the development team staff to come.

It was still eight in the morning. An hour later, one of the development team staff came to him and explained all the trainings he would be having. He was also told that the group was initially planned to be a hip-hop group with no dance, but the producer had changed the format again so that they would include dancing. Hoseok was expected to help the other trainees in this field, since none of them had a background in dancing. Hoseok dampened his lips in slight insecurity, but gave a calm smile.

"So, that's all for your schedule. I see that you are ready to move here, so let's get you to the dorm. We haven't notified them, but they have already known that another trainee is joining. The manager will guide you there. Please wait a bit."

Hoseok thanked the staff with a smile, and the staff asked the receptionist to call the manager. Some minutes later, a man bigger, older than him came to him after asking the receptionist.

"Are you the new trainee from Gwangju?" The man asked.

"Yes," Hoseok said, smiling politely, trying to look professional.

"It's pleasantly surprising that you came here right away. What's your name?"

"Jung Hoseok."

"I'm Song Hobeom, Bangtan's manager," Hoseok shook hands with him. "From now on, you'll be living in the dorm and have trainings everyday. Do you have anything that goes against the schedule?"

"Not much."

"That's a relief," Hobeom said. "Now, let's get to the dorm. It's really near, actually."

The dorm indeed was near, probably less than ten minutes walking. Hoseok gazed upward seeing the building. He was amazed for seconds before he followed his to-be manager climbing the stairs.

"This is the place," Hobeom told him, inserting the key and opening the door. "We haven't duplicated the key yet and I can't give you mine, so I hope you don't mind sharing with the others' for some time."

"Yeah, sure."

Upon entering the dorm, they were welcomed with a rack of shoes alongside with slight smell. Some shoes were messily laid on the floor.

"They had a late practice yesterday, so I guess they haven't cleaned the dorm," Hobeom explained. "I'm not sure that they're awake either, but just go in. I have left them a text. I still have works to do in agency, so I'll go back now. Don't go outside too much, and follow the schedule given to you."

"Thank you, Hobeom _-ssi_ ," Hoseok gave another smile, this time a little stiff.

The manager left. Hoseok gulped, stepping through the unilluminated hallway, eyes curious and wary. The trainees were the reason why he had left JYP. The people just did not suit his personality and preferences, and it gave him pressure. Also, walking in the living place of the people he hadn't known yet, and they weren't even awake, isn't it kind of impolite?

But, Hoseok had no way out either. He didn't have the dorm's key.

He entered the main room as quietly as possible, rolling his suitcase really slowly. The room wasn't heated very well, so Hoseok decided to keep his jacket put on. In the main room, there were pieces of garments hung tidily—fortunately they didn't smell—before the white-curtained window, some figurine and manga collections on shelves, a small television on the corner beside it, and a couch in the middle.

In the midst of his little observation, the dancer was startled to the sound of door opening. He put his gaze towards his right, thinking it might be from the door over there. But it wasn't.

Hoseok immediately looked to front. He froze.

Less than ten feet in front of him, a pale-skinned man, shorter than Hoseok was, walked out of what seemed to be a bathroom. Barely dressed. Only undergarment.

How could Hoseok fail to notice the blue door over there in his left side?

Water was dripping from the undergarmented man's chin and hairtips. His body was slender, not built, matched his white skin. His eyes were sharp, filled with gloom, piercing through Hoseok's. His small lips moved slowly.

"Who are you?"

The voice was strangely composed, low, and very much virile.

Blood went up Hoseok's face. His face was uncontrolled, eyebrows narrowing and lips pursed slightly. He felt completely numb.

"I-I'm," Hoseok muttered in shock, "Jung … Hoseok."

The other man's face darkened. Hoseok's face flushed. The man walked to take his towel hung near the window and rubbed his face.

Having sudden realization, Hoseok stated, "N-new trainee. I'm the new trainee."

The cold man stopped and stared at Hoseok. His gaze was less annoyed, more sleepy, in Hoseok's opinion.

"Oh."

With that, Hoseok was left alone in the room, statued and flustered.

~ ᶋ ~

The man Hoseok met half naked woke everyone up. They all walked out of the bedroom after a while. The first one to approach and greet him pleasantly was this tough-looking, manly man, and Hoseok spontaneously assumed that he was the oldest.

"Welcome," The man said with a grin. "Sorry we had to greet you this way. We're almost dead from the practice," He laughed at this, and Hoseok gave a friendly laugh too. "I'm Jung Hunchul, nineteen. I was chosen as the group leader."

"Woah, that's cool," Hoseok exclaimed, half surprised that the man was younger than he thought. "I'm Jung Hoseok. Seventeen."

"Wait, aren't you from Gwangju? I came from there, too. And, you're Jung too?"

Hoseok laughed, clapping his hands once. Hunchul took Hoseok's hand and did a chest bump. "Welcome, mate. I finally can speak _Jeolla_ with someone here. They all are mostly from Seoul, you know."

"Yeah, thank you, leader." Hoseok grinned.

Hunchul looked around and saw Hoseok's suitcase. "Oh! You haven't unpacked your stuffs?" He turned to the man who woke him up. "Yoongi, you didn't tell him?"

 _Yoongi_. Hoseok noted the name.

"He literally just came," The so-called Yoongi answered reluctantly, "I was just done taking bath."

"Hold on, did you welcome him with boxers?" Hunchul laughed amusedly. Yoongi ignored him and went in the bedroom. "Ah, poor you, Hoseokie. Don't mind him, he is usually that shameless. You'll get used to him."

A stiff smile passed across Hoseok's face. "Well, yeah. The manager left me here with no dorm key, so it's not his fault."

"Hobeom- _ssi_? Well, just stick to us, then." Hunchul patted Hoseok's back. "Ah, I need to pack my things too. I'm going home for Christmas today." He glanced at Hoseok. "Come to think of it, why did you come at Christmas Eve?"

Hoseok was a little dumbfounded. "Uhm, I think I couldn't contain myself when receiving the letter."

Hunchul gave a friendly laugh again, which Hoseok found quite similar to his own's.

While he was arranging his clothes with Hunchul, he heard some noise from the living room. Hoseok turned his head and peeked in curiosity.

"Must be our _hyung_ ," Hunchul mumbled. "Ikje- _hyung_ probably just returned. He had a part-time work early."

Before Hoseok could question further, the talked man approached. "Hey! Must be the new trainee. Is it another _dongsaeng_?"

"Yeah," Hunchul was the one to reply, "He is Jung Hoseok. Don't be too loud, will ya, _hyung_? You're ruining our images."

The older simpered. "Don't worry. He's going to live with us, anyway."

"Yeah, no worries, I like this kind of attitude. Makes me relieved," Hoseok stated, grinning widely.

Ikje raised his palm in an attempt to do a high five with Hoseok, which the latter welcomed. "Yo, I'm Ikje. I'm twenty four, so, must be your _hyung_ , eh?"

Hoseok shook hands with him. "Yeah. I'm Hoseok, seventeen."

"Ow, we got another '94 liner. Your two fellows are there," He pointed his thumb behind, "Namjoonie and Donghyukie. Think you're gonna get along well with them. Well then, I'm gonna have some sleep. Nice to meet you!"

Hoseok smiled shyly, dimples showing, and resumed arranging his clothings.

The practice started at one that day. They had their lunch together at a homey-atmosphered restaurant near the dorm. Looking around the streets, Hoseok assumed that their dorm's location was pretty good. There were minimarkets, restaurants, department store, and drugstore near. After munching lunch, they sent Hunchul off the cab. They wouldn't have enough time to send him off in the station. Hoseok was a bit disappointed that the most easygoing one was going home faster than the others.

As for the company, there wasn't much that could be expected.

Hoseok was partly a naive dreamer, and despite his expectations and the Big Hit building being small, he was quite contented with the facility provided. Sure he could not compare it to JYP, but all that mattered to him was the practice room. It was smaller than the one his academy had, but JYP's was pretty much of that size, too. Well, he didn't mind at all.

The staffs weren't many, but they all were nice and friendly. Hoseok was pretty sure that he would be comfortable working in this environment, but yes, he had not known them well yet. Hoseok hoped they turned out being basically as nice as he thought they were.

Being in a whole new environment rather made Hoseok want to blend in socially. So, he always tried his best befriending everyone.

However, before this person, he hesitated.

Yoongi. That _hyung_ was a super silent person; Hoseok had never seen one being so expert in quietness. He was silent eating, bidding goodbye, and practising. In the silentness, his aura changed constantly. Sometimes Hoseok glanced at him and saw a boy, but at other times, he would see a sad man. And if their eyes met, the boy became unreadable; building up a thick wall.

Hoseok had a wide curiosity, but he was reluctant to the idea of approaching right on, so he guessed he would just take his time.

The trainees started the practice with turning on some music and rapping, waiting for the coach to come. Each of them was very talented in rapping, even though Hoseok didn't know much about the field. He praised them all sincerely, _you sound like professional!_ , _you guys are so amazing!_ , and so much others. Indeed, he felt separated due to his inability in rapping, but he could feel their humbleness when they kept saying, _no, we have a long way to go!_ , _you have a really decent talent yourself!_ , and especially all their gasps and _are you a robot?_ s when Hoseok started popping.

"You all should practise dancing! We all are going to dance hip-hop, right?" Hoseok asked.

Namjoon groaned. "Since the start of this thing, seriously, I think I have never reached a thing!"

They all laughed. Hoseok patted Namjoon's shoulder. "It won't be hard, really. Just strengthen the basics and it would be all you need. Here. This is how you pop." Hoseok did a popping with his wrist, to which Namjoon groaned in frustration again.

"Damn, this friend," Ikje said. "How did the company get him? Now we need to be as good as him! Or we'll be pieces of trash on stage beside him."

"Why are you so good, seriously?" Donghyuk punched Hoseok's shoulder, laughing kindly.

"You know, they told me to help you guys on this, so be prepared." Hoseok grinned. "What do you guys do usually, though? I think I have really lots of practices to go. I have never really done anything besides dancing."

"We make music too," Donghyuk replied eagerly to this. "I'm pretty sure it would be our group's specialty. We're not some groups performing their company's prepared pieces. We'll be making our own music under the company's instructions."

Hoseok exclaimed, " _Yaah_ , so cool. I need to learn from you all."

"I think Donghyuk and Yoongi are the ones most into composing, though," Ikje put his arms around Yoongi's neck, "and this friend's a genius on it."

Yoongi chuckled awkwardly and said nothing, seeming visibly displeased at skinship. But Hoseok could tell that the former was a bit—if not partly—flattered.

They started the practice on the arrival of their coach. Hoseok sat down before the wall on the rap lessons and joined when composing lessons rose. The practice was much more pressuring than he thought they would be. Expectations were weighed on their shoulders, it was teeming. Even on the dance practice, he still felt pressured, even though not as much as the others did.

They had a break in the evening for dinner. The staffs had ordered food for them. Come to think of it, Hoseok might need to start his diet soon, but he refused to think about restricting his eating habits yet.

He sat himself beside Donghyuk. Out of everyone, in Hoseok's eyes, Donghyuk was the most shy and kind one, and it made him want to approach him.

"Hey," Hoseok accosted, "tired?"

Donghyuk smiled. "I'm the one to ask you that. We're already pretty used to the schedule, but I don't know whether you do."

"Thanks, I'm fine," Hoseok drank his water.

"That's good to hear," Donghyuk opened his bottle. "But, too early. We're going to continue to midnight."

Hoseok choked on his drink, at which Donghyuk chuckled after making sure the former was safe.

"By the way," Donghyuk said in a smaller voice, leaning in Hoseok's direction, "don't be surprised, but I think Yoongi- _hyung_ has been looking at you all the time."

This time, Hoseok choked on his saliva. Donghyuk muttered a sorry. Hoseok turned his head in search of the _hyung_ , but failed and gave up soon.

"Don't worry about it, though. I was saying in case you noticed it," The same-age mate smiled, so friendly. "He put very much attention to the group and the members. He's probably just … in the process of getting to know you."

"Ah, thank you," Hoseok said, "I thought I kept feeling nervous, so this is why." He laughed.

Donghyuk laughed too. As if reading Hoseok's mind, he said, "That _hyung_ has always been like that."

Hoseok might need to rethink his perception on Donghyuk.

~ ᶋ ~

The first day was over, and Hoseok couldn't bring himself to sleep.

It was late at night, and Hoseok couldn't sleep in the midst of adaptation. Practice sure had beaten him to exhaustion, but his mind was restless nevertheless. They slept in a small room consisting of three bunk beds and a window. Hoseok got a top bunk bed at the furthest from the door. He felt a bit insecure being in a higher place, but he didn't want to be a nuisance since that was what was left for him.

Namjoon, Yoongi, and Donghyuk were still in Big Hit after the late practice, but Hoseok had heard Namjoon and Donghyuk returning to the dorm and going to bed. Still struggling to sleep, Hoseok climbed down his bed and went out of the room with blanket in hand. With hands trembled in protest to cold air, he walked to the kitchen to hydrate himself with some warm water. Before numbness crawled its way to his limbs, he curled himself in the living room with blanket tucked inside out.

Somehow, Hoseok found a bit more comfort there. Probably out of the brighter and larger room, or being alone.

It was when Hoseok was about to be lost in his dream that Yoongi returned to the dorm.

Hoseok was unaware of it, being half-asleep and feeling so heavy. He was oblivious to the presence of warmth approaching him. He was ignorant to the pair of eyes staring, observing his smallest gesture in sleep. He didn't see the puff of warm breath exhaled in front of him and the tiny lips parted in initiation of speaking.

"Hey," A pause. "Go sleep in the room."

The voice was deep, again. But soft. So soft it warmed something deep inside Hoseok, making him mildly relieved.

Hoseok opened his eyes. He had heard it clearly, but took his time replying. He rubbed his eyes.

"It's okay," Hoseok said, cushioned, "it's comfy here."

Yoongi was still staring. "You could catch a cold."

"I'm scared of heights," Hoseok was unaware he said this.

"You can use mine. It's a bottom one."

It took a minute for Hoseok to proceed the words. He widened his eyes slightly, gazing up to Yoongi's unreadable face.

Then, he realized that the man stood in front of him was not a cold person.

Hoseok grimaced and said, "Thank you…, Min Yoongi."

~ ᶋ ~

After two days, finally, Bang PD- _nim_ would see Hoseok.

It was a day after Christmas—after the company had closed its building for a day and Hoseok had been left unaccompanied by the sorry trainees since morning. The pointed-nosed man found being trapped in the dorm with snow and no other livings made him feeling wasted, so he decided to take practice on his own starting the day after.

When he came to Big Hit in early afternoon, a staff approached him.

"Jung Hoseok? What a good timing. The CEO would like to see you."

The dancer could only froze and asked belatedly for guidance to the CEO's room. He climbed the stairs tailling the staff, slow thump of his shoes tugging his chest. Standing before the door, he looked up the ceiling unpurposedly, feeling nausea twirling his stomach. When he was about to reach the doorknob, a voice saved him.

"Oh, Hoseok?"

Hoseok jolted a bit and turned to his right at the familiar voice. His sight met a tall man with stiff contour and thick lips. "Namjoon?"

The staff told Namjoon to join Hoseok, and Hoseok welcomed him with open arms.

"I thought you're returning home until new year like the others?" Hoseok asked, but sounding way too relieved.

Namjoon's eyes stared at Hoseok, then quickly shifted to the floor. "No, I just felt like coming over. Ilsan is not far, anyway."

Hoseok noticed that Namjoon probably was not really one to make eye contact with new people.

"Okay, now let's go in. Ah, I'm so nervous," Hoseok laughed, apprehension thick in his tone.

Namjoon gave a small awkward laugh. "I know, right. Let's just face it."

Namjoon was the one who knocked and opened the door. Hoseok entered while rather hiding himself behind Namjoon. The room was warm and well-heated, yet Hoseok nearly shivered just by the sight of the man sitting behind the desk.

"Sit down," Bang Shihyuk told them.

The two trainees did as told, as politely as possible.

Bang Shihyuk leaned on his chair, taking turns staring at Namjoon and Hoseok right in the eyes. Hoseok couldn't help gulping, but he smiled, albeit ungainly.

"Namjoon, is he the one from Gwangju?"

The one asked nodded firmly.

"Where are the others?"

"They're back home for Christmas and new year."

The CEO sighed, then smiled to Hoseok with his slanted eyes. "Thank you for choosing Big Hit over your previous agency. We are currently really in need for great dancers like you in Bangtan."

His voice was very clear and heavy to Hoseok's ears. "It's my pleasure, PD- _nim_."

"Actually, I think it would be best to change the format again," He turned to Namjoon this time. "Rather than hip-hop group, I want Bangtan to be an idol group. It's what people favour these days."

Hoseok glanced at Namjoon. The latter's face had fallen.

"I hope you guys can keep up a good cooperation even with the format change. I know it seems as if we're changing the entire concept completely, but our purpose can still be accomplished in this way while keeping up with majority's preferences."

There was a heavy silence before Namjoon gave a nod—not a firm one he usually did.

"And for Hoseok," Bang Shihyuk turned to the new trainee, "I expect you to practise rapping like the others too."

.

Hoseok could see Namjoon's face getting sour right after exitting the room. The former couldn't help wondering.

"All the _hyung_ s won't like hearing this," Namjoon stated before the other asked.

"Why?"

"Being in idol group feels like an underestimation to them. Well, to me, too. All of us are super into hip-hop and we love making music. It would be hard for us to accept," Namjoon moved his arms up and down while explaining, and then sighed. "I just hope they won't lose their passion in the process."

Hoseok licked his lips, uneasy. It seemed that everything wouldn't go too well. "I hope you all will be able to accept it."

"Yeah—maybe."

They fell silent. The air was only filled with audible clack creeping down the stairs.

Namjoon asked, "Are you planning to do practice today?"

"Yeah. Will you join me?"

Namjoon shrugged. "I guess I will. My dancing needs improvement," Another sigh. "And you probably will need help in rapping too. I, I'll help, if you want."

"Thanks, I'll take that. I'll help you too with the dance." Hoseok grinned, then entered the practice room. "I didn't expect you to come back here, by the way. It's only a few days apart with new year."

Namjoon turned on the heater. "I kind of regret it now, though. But bad news is better heard sooner than later."

Hoseok chuckled, followed by the other's. "You're such a serious person," Hoseok mumbled plainly.

"I guess—" Namjoon tripped over the _mere_ floor.

Hoseok laughed. "Careless too."

Namjoon flushed. "Usually Yoongi- _hyung_ would nag me on that."

Hearing the name, his ears twitched and flushed in recall of a memory. Hoseok was reminded of the night he had slept on the couch. Yoongi had offered his bed, but Hoseok didn't take it, too sleepy to move. Hoseok was still able to feel the warmth that the deep voice had initiated.

Sitting before the nearest wall, he questioned without much thoughts, "What kind of person is he?"

Namjoon took a seat beside Hoseok, placing his fingers on his chin upon thinking. "Deep?" He muttered. "I think he's a really thoughtful person. And private. But he can open up at times, and I'm sure he's well-aware of what he must do."

Hoseok nodded knowingly.

"And he's ignorant. He welcomed you with only boxers on, right? Darn, I hope you don't mind it too much." He chuckled.

Hoseok laughed, a bit too loudly. "No, no, I won't."

The two practised until evening, complementing each other's abilities.

~ ᶋ ~

It was snowing mildly outside in the early evening. The sky got more vague as time ran in eternity. Streets were icy and slippery. Hoseok took a careful walk with a hot takeout in his cold bare hand.

The snow was calming, yet piercing. Hoseok was never a fan of winter out of the unbearable sting, but snow had always been tranquilizing to him. He wanted to rush to the dorm, fast, to the heater and cozy blanket, to feel calmness, and spend the rest of the day counting to midnight.

It was New Year Eve. A week after Hoseok's arrival in Seoul. Hoseok had not gone around the city too much, since he felt lethargic to the cold. He also had nobody to guide him. Everyone was still at their home, and Namjoon had gone home again two days ago for New Year.

Hoseok was practically alone in the dorm. He had just moved, and he didn't feel like returning home. Or, he just didn't want to worry his family with his problems that had emerged already just in a couple days.

He would be lying to say that he wasn't overwhelmed by the practice. He had been practising by himself while the others were away. He was having a hard time to get himself used to it. It was not like the coaches are stern or not good enough, it was simply really exhausting. It drained his sleeptime—most of his time, actually. He needed to learn more about hip-hop, composing, music overall, and rapping, as well as helping the others learn dancing.

And it wasn't like Hoseok was reluctant about all the practice. They all were into his liking. It was just hard to adjust himself to.

Arriving in front of the dorm, Hoseok climbed the stairs lazily, and opened the door. Hoseok had been handed the key duplicate before Namjoon left the second time for home. Hoseok took a short hot bath since he practised and sweated today, then ate his takeout even though it wasn't dark yet outside.

Silence filled the whole dorm. Hoseok didn't know whether he should appreciate it or not.

The bedroom felt too dark as well as contradictorily cramped and lonely to Hoseok, so the dancer settled himself in the living room with his blanket. The living room became his favourite place in the dorm, although the heater wasn't very well-functioned. Hoseok found the room unreasonably more relaxing.

Hoseok's phone vibrated in his pocket and rang seconds later. He took it idly.

 _Min Yoongi._

Hoseok felt a throb in the corner of his eyebrow. He picked it up right away.

 _"Hello, Hoseok?"_

His chest was suddenly filled with warmth. He had not spoken with Yoongi as the latter left for home in Christmas, but Hoseok felt kind of delighted hearing the deep voice.

"Yes, _hyung_?"

 _"Are you fine?"_

Hoseok blinked in confusion.

 _"Ah, I mean…, you're in the dorm, right?"_

"Yeah," Hoseok giggled, "well, I'm just kind of bored, since I'm all alone here."

 _"Waiting for New Year?"_

"Planned to, but I'm not that eager for it."

 _"Ah, I see."_ Silence, and then a click of tongue. _"Well, take care, Hoseok."_

Hoseok smiled even though no one would see it. "Thank you, _hyung_. You too."

Tomorrow was still a long way to wait for, but the night was filled with excited people looking forward to the start of another year. Hoseok was too tired to keep up with all that. He snuggled on the couch, wondering if he should just sleep there until morning.

His nose was still tinted red, exhaling an almost invisible air puff. His hair was messy, since he didn't comb it after washing. He felt coldness in his feet, but couldn't do much to warm it. Hoseok shivered constantly at the times he didn't plunge his head in the blanket.

It was winter, and not much people could pass it without warmth. Without feeling lonely when being alone.

When Hoseok just decided to listen to some music, there was a knock on the door. It snapped Hoseok enough to unwrap himself from the blanket and approach the door in wary. But the guest opened the door himself.

To Hoseok's suprise, it was Yoongi, swathed in thick jacket, hot takeout in one hand.

"Chicken," Yoongi said. "Sorry, only this. Are you okay with it?"

A light bloomed inside Hoseok's ribcage. He gave a sheepish, grateful smile.

It had sheltered Hoseok enough to have someone caring for him in the midst of this cold.

~ ᶋ ~

 _Don't think of anything._

 _Don't say anything, not even a word._

 _Just give me a smile._


	3. PROLOGUE: Butterfly (2)

Yoongi was surprised.

It had been the first time in his life to notice something so readable in someone he had just met. Whether it was delusive or real, he could see a distinct vulnerability in the new trainee he had encountered a week ago. A vulnerability identical to his own.

Maybe it was disbelief, maybe it was curiosity, or it might be concern for deepest. Yoongi found himself pressing the call button, asking whether Hoseok was fine, and took a train back to Seoul. He was doing that all, out of something baseless, and he found it a little scary.

But caring a little wouldn't hurt. Or so he thought, for now.

~ ᶋ ~

The night was embraced by flakes of snow, the sky plain dark and endless. Lights beamed prettily beneath the horizon, the city filled with awake people. The road was busy and flowing. The world was busy with meaningful things occuring.

One of it took place under the roof of an apartment, where two rookies of life seated themselves in a barely heated room.

The first few minutes was covered with a silence that Hoseok couldn't describe. He grabbed two pairs of chopstick from the kitchen while Yoongi took off his jacket. They sat before the low table, eating while waiting for someone to break the silence.

"I'm curious," Yoongi suddenly asked, "I don't think Hit It third audition has begun, so how did you join?"

"Um," Hoseok finished his munching, "actually I was in JYP Entertainment. As a trainee, I did a dance performance with the other trainees. Bang PD- _nim_ was there too. He approached me backstage and … wanted me to join Big Hit."

Yoongi's eyes widened. "You went through without audition?"

"No, no," Hoseok laughed, cheekbones puffed. "A staff auditioned me in my academy back in Gwangju."

"That's really cool," Yoongi lifted his chopstick at Hoseok, then grabbed another piece of chicken. "If PD _-nim_ was the one to approach you, that means you're already accepted in the first place. Audition is just a formal procedure for people like you."

Hoseok raised his eyebrows. "Really? I never knew that."

"Well, you were accepted to JYP. Bang PD _-nim_ doesn't need to doubt your potential too much."

Hoseok raked his tinted nape. "How about you, _hyung_? How did _hyung_ join?"

"Me? Uh…," He said between eating, then made a noise of clanking his tongue after swallowing. "I passed the second audition. I was the second place, the first place was Ikje- _hyung_ , but Bang PD _-nim_ chose me in too." Hoseok exclaimed a _woah_ , and Yoongi added, "Probably because I rearranged the beat they made."

Hoseok clapped appreciatively. "You must have done a really great job, _hyung_." He put down his chopsticks, the food finished. "And it just reminds me, but I was told to practise rapping."

Yoongi wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and mumbled, "Why?"

Hoseok took Yoongi's chopsticks and cleaned up the table. "PD _-nim_ decided to change the group format to idol group."

To this, the answer came instantly. "What?"

Hoseok disposed the plastic garbage to the bin, then turned to Yoongi, meeting a surprised pale face.

The air around him changed. The dancer gulped invisibly.

Hoseok quickly sat down across the older, asking quietly, "What's wrong, _hyung_?"

Yoongi didn't answer, putting a hand under his chin. His eyes down, staring at the table. Hoseok grabbed his blanket on the floor, spreading it over his own lap, and waited for answer in silence.

"This is not quite what I came for, but I'm okay with it." Yoongi finally said. "But you know, I'm not from the richest families. It's just that … with the format change, won't we need more time and practice?"

"I guess so," Hoseok replied slowly, still not getting the point.

Yoongi sighed through his nose, head down. Hoseok had no other things to say, so both merely dwelt in quietness. He hid his hand under the blanket, cold fingertips knocking his legs.

"So," Yoongi rubbed his palms, "do you have any difficulties? With the training, the dorm, or even us trainees."

Hoseok blinked, his answer coming fast. "No, not really. Nothing significant."

"You sure?"

The pair of dark eyes stared straight into Hoseok's. Given their awkward first encounter, Hoseok thought it would be hard not to be awkward interacting with him, but no. Yoongi's gaze was knowing, so warm for someone he had just met a week ago. Hoseok almost felt like he had been implicitly stabbed and stripped, yet he didn't feel like looking away.

In short, he just didn't sense a need to build some kind of wall with this person.

Still, he broke the eye contact once he spoke. "I'm still trying to get used to everything. No big deal," Smiling, flowing his gaze to Yoongi again. "Thanks for asking, _hyung_."

Yoongi nodded in reply. "You can tell me if it gets harder for you. No offense, but the first time I see you, you seem like a … sensitive person."

Hoseok laughed, mouth shaping a heart. Yoongi had said it in the most refined manner, and Hoseok couldn't catch the conviction in the former's statement. "You're not really wrong, _hyung_."

Again, the older stared deeply at him. And Hoseok stared back. Staring at the unreadable eyes which unfairly seem to always effortlessly caught him off guard.

"I just," The voice low, nearly a whisper, "don't want you to go through what I do."

Hoseok's eyebrows twitched, startled eyes blinking swiftly thrice.

He could only ponder what the deep statement had meant, and shifted the topic instead.

~ ᶋ ~

Hoseok was pretty sure that Min Yoongi spent the midnight with him awake and that there were no other people living with them, so he did not expect the dawn to be filled with careful noises in the dorm.

Awoken, he met the empty, tidy bed beside him. Half asleep, he walked out, seeing a man shorter than him all dressed, about to leave the apartment.

Hoseok flickered his eyes. "Yoongi- _hyung_?"

Yoongi turned, a bit surprised. "Hoseok?"

"Is it morning already?"

The question hung in the air. Yoongi blinked, staring at the sleepy _dongsaeng_. "It's not yet. You can go back to sleep."

The cold air belatedly stunned Hoseok to one higher level of consciousness. "Uh…, where are you going, _hyung_?"

"I," Yoongi's voice was small, fading into the snow outside, barely hearable. "I have to work part-time in Daegu."

Hoseok was jolted awake. Genuinely surprised, he gazed at Yoongi, finding discomfort in those small eyes.

He suddenly recalled her mother who worked hard for him pursuing grand dreams, supporting in every aspect even when her husband didn't fully approve the son's career interest—if it wasn't for his undeniable talent. And the person standing in front of him was working by himself to pay his own bills.

Giving an admiring smile, Hoseok said, "Good luck at work."

And the tension in Yoongi's shoulder melted to ground. He tried to smile.

"I'll see you around afternoon."

~ ᶋ ~

Hoseok had no idea that the format change could result in this huge impact.

Such as, the enormous loss of passion, atmosphere falling deep to the blazing earth core, and unpleasant grunts filling the small apartment's heavy air.

It happened right the day everyone returned to dorm. It was evening, they were about to have practice, and producer- _nim_ Bang Sihyuk would like to meet all of them in his studio. The authorizing man announced the format change and decided that they would be having a vocal assessment in front of him _the day after_.

It had hit Hunchul the most. He had been pretending not to, but he became much more silent.

About the assessment, Namjoon was shocked with his—Bang Sihyuk merely saying he should just stay rapping. Hoseok was the one to get the least negative judgment, and he felt stifled. No reason to be, but he simply felt sorry.

Hand tucked inside pocket, Hoseok dawdled the emptiness inside, keeping it in. Cold lingered itself a bit more to the heart of February, making the man sheathe his neck with scarf. The edge of his fingers touched a warm metal of key, resulted from having holding it so long.

Hoseok would like to complain why a shop would not turn on a heater, but he thought, _this is better than summer_.

The barista called for order on the name Donghyuk. Donghyuk passed Hoseok his coffee and one other's whose owner was waiting in Big Hit. They walked out of the shop, warming their hands with cups of coffee.

Hoseok sipped in the caffeine, pleased with the taste. He hummed, "This is good."

Donghyuk nodded to it.

There was silence between them that was occupied by open orangish sky and cars passing by. It was a good one minute before Hoseok called the mate beside.

"Donghyuk."

"Hm?"

"What do you think about Bang PD- _nim_ 's decision?"

Donghyuk raised his eyebrows. "I'm not one to appeal to it, though."

"You're fine with it?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I mean," Donghyuk coughed, "I'm pretty cool with it. I've been in Big Hit since quite long ago as a producer. Bang PD- _nim_ just suddenly put me in Bangtan. I'm interested in the hip-hop concept, and this is … yeah, a bit disappointing."

Hoseok nodded. "I wonder how you guys get to love hip-hop so much?"

Donghyuk blinked. "The others have been interested in it pretty long ago, I think. In my case, I was pretty neutral in music until Hyowon- _hyung_ taught me."

Nodding again, Hoseok questioned no more. Donghyuk sipped his coffee.

"Well, I don't know if you have understood this yet, but hip-hop is more than just a music genre," Donghyuk explained, shrugging, "it's about attitude. I suggest you never ask that to any hip-hop singers. It sounds a bit like an insult."

Those words were piercing, and Hoseok was surprised. "I'm sorry," He said, at loss of words.

"It's fine," Donghyuk chuckled, "just don't ask that to Hunchul- _hyung_. He'd kill you."

"Yeah, I agree."

"If you're confused why they're so listless," Donghyuk said, "it's just that we're told to do something that has been promised wouldn't need to be. We have a massive amount of things to learn, ones we don't wish to. We don't wish to be an idol. We want to be more than that." He patted Hoseok's shoulder. "You can say we are plain disappointed."

Hoseok nodded. "I'm sorry for being so ignorant."

"You'll learn," Donghyuk stated. "But I'm surprised, though. You do street dancing. I thought it requires attitude, too. How do you feel if you have to do something … 'lower' than that?"

"Lower—what do you mean?"

"I mean—well, for example, this. Idol's dance would be far easier than street dancing, right?"

Hoseok nodded.

"Don't you want to do more than that?"

Hoseok was silent.

"I'm pretty sure you were famous for your street dancing in your hometown. Don't you think people would be disappointed?"

"I get your point," Hoseok said, sipping his coffee that suddenly tasted more bitter than before.

"Hip-hop is pretty much like that. In the underground world, our country's especially, we wouldn't need … fashion, make ups, being an icon, all that. We should do music, do hip-hop, write our own lyrics, rap about ourselves, live in a hip-hop way, do things our way. Idols don't do that. Idols care about their reputation, how they look, what they do, how it affects people, even fake themselves if necessary."

"That's sharp," Hoseok murmured.

Donghyuk shrugged. "But it's true, though. Hip-hop is being real to ourselves, that's my point. How is it in street dancing world, through?"

"Like you said, it does require attitude. Like, when you perform or do dance battles. At some point, I think it does resemble hip-hop slightly. Freestyling, battling, the line between arrogance and swag, the swag character, all that." Taking another sip of coffee. "Living the character, there's that, too. But if you ask me, I'm much more into … the dancing itself."

For once, Hoseok felt that Donghyuk's stare was judging. Or it might have been so from the beginning.

"I see," Donghyuk said, shifting his gaze. "It's nice that you're able to do so. Being flexible."

Hoseok nodded. "Thank you."

Both was left quiet for the rest of the walk.

~ ᶋ ~

It was Friday. Hoseok was very well aware that it was just another day of the week, but he didn't realize that it was more than that.

That was, until his phone rang early in the morning. Hoseok had no idea he had forgotten to turn it off, so it rang in the living room, and early bird Min Yoongi was the one who noticed it. Yoongi almost answered the call when Hoseok got out from their bedroom.

"Mom?" Hoseok asked.

 _"Hello, Hoseok?"_

"You're calling so early, mom," Yawning. "Did something happen?"

 _"Not especially, but I think I'll be busy for the rest of the day, so I'm calling you now."_

Hoseok was about to be asleep standing.

 _"Happy birthday, dear!"_

Hoseok's head was jolted awake. "W-What?"

 _"It's your birthday today, my son."_

"Ooh…," Hoseok longed his voice stupidly. "Ah, thank you, mom! I don't even remember."

 _"I wish you have a happy day today. I hope you stay hardworking, stay healthy, stay humble, and be successful. I pray for you to have a successful debut everyday."_

His mother's voice was warm as always, reminding him of home as always. Hoseok couldn't help grinning widely. He was genuinely happy. "Thank you so much, mom."

 _"If you have problems, don't keep it to yourself. You can tell me, your father, or your_ noona _."_

"Sure, mom. Don't worry about me." Hoseok sat before the low table. "Mom, I miss you."

He heard his mother laugh. His grin got wider.

 _"We miss you too, son. But you need to do well. Your father gets impatient sometimes."_

"I will, mom. For sure. I won't disappoint you."

 _"Still, health comes first, okay?"_

Hoseok impulsively nodded.

 _"Now, I need to go."_

"Good luck, mom!"

He hung up after they both bid good-bye.

Yoongi walked in from kitchen. Hoseok was unaware of his presence until Yoongi sat beside him. Hoseok jumped, burst into laughter, then accidentally choked. Yoongi instantly laughed too.

"What? Why are you laughing?" Yoongi asked mid-laughter.

"But _hyung_ is laughing too!"

"Hey, hey, you're that happy your mother's calling you? What a spoilt boy, you." Yoongi shook his head, pointing at Hoseok.

"Ah, _hyung_ , what's wrong with that anyway?" Hoseok continued laughing, burying his face in his arms on the table. "I suddenly feel so embarassed."

"Anyway," Yoongi tapped Hoseok's shoulder, raising his right hand to the younger once Hoseok faced him. "Happy birthday. It's your birthday today, right?"

Hoseok took his hand sheepishly. "Thank you, _hyung_."

"Congratulations. You'll spend your birthday practising to dawn."

"Not funny, _hyung_ ," Hoseok replied, wiping his laughing tears. Yoongi laughed, bringing himself to stand up and pick his bag.

"Well, now, I need to go to work."

"Yeah. _Hwaiting_ ," Hoseok raised his fist, smiling. Yoongi smiled back.

~ ᶋ ~

 _I still can't believe it._

 _All of this seems like a dream._

 _Don't try to disappear._

.

Yoongi kept getting surprises.

Despite the formality that Hoseok had never dropped with him, observing and interacting with Hoseok had been interesting. Hoseok was social, but had a hard time adapting. He hated late sleeps. The more late the night got, he would be more unguarded—in other days, his mood would get worse. He was a clean and tidy person, and sometimes he would nag Namjoon for being messy. Besides all that, his attitude was nice. Nice and bright. As if he had no weighs on his shoulders, never had his chest torn, and had nothing to get his head boil in anger.

Moreover, he loved his family. It was clear from how he talked to his mother. He had good family, good attitude, and good personality.

But the first impression was still lingering in Yoongi's mind. The vulnerability, and strength, the more Yoongi knew him. The power that was always shown when his body moved to the beat.

Again, Yoongi was being sympathetic over something unconfirmed.

He bought Hoseok a birthday cake.

~ ᶋ ~

Birthday was nothing special to Hoseok. It never was.

Getting to dancing early on, from middle school exactly, Hoseok had never had too many friends—if not counting the ones from primary school. He had been spending most of his time polishing himself, but he had nothing to regret. Not when he could have the intriguing moments when he was bathed in sweat after practice, body aching the next morning from too much dancing, and the thrills of performing, exciting the audience and impressing the judges. He lived for those things, for those moments when his ears caught the beat and the silence in between, making his body move and be one with them.

The new friends he got since moving to Seoul, the people striving the same purpose as he did, were different from his classmates at school. The trainees lived together, hung around together, and shared things with one another. Difference that created distance sure they had, but Hoseok tried. Tried catching up, whilst the trainees became the catalyst for his passion.

Hoseok had never been sure what friends really meant to him, because he was young. But here he was, getting the sincere happy birthdays, wishes, and punches from his roommates.

And a surprise late at night, when it wasn't the appropriate time to be all noisy and everyone was obviously tired. Yoongi and Donghyuk waited in the dorm, showing up with a cake. And everyone just started singing for him. And for Ikje too, since it was technically already a new day, and his birthday is one day after Hoseok's, to the latter's surprise.

They had lived together for only less than two months, but with them doing this for him, Hoseok felt taken aback and thankful. The group started to take more place in his heart.

~ ᶋ ~

Practice always ended late. Hoseok gradually grew tired, mind and body-wise.

Especially with the group being in the edge of crumbling, more so as every day passed.

Everything started from one early spring night—not even a month after Hoseok's birthday—where the trainees gathered in the main room, and Hunchul asked: "What do you think you guys will do if you're not here?"

It was a light question. But it spreaded, rooted deep in the ground of their group.

It spreaded to _why do you want to be here_ and _why_ should _we be here_. There, Choi Ikje stated his decision: leaving the group.

"My age is not suitable for idols," He said bluntly. "You guys are young. You all should continue, but I can't. If I don't quit, I think Bang PD- _nim_ will get me out himself." Chuckled.

Hoseok's eyes went blank at the statement. He chose to stay silent.

"That's such a shame," Yoongi said, followed by Namjoon nodding.

"But you're not that old, _hyung_ ," Namjoon said, patting Ikje's shoulder. "And your face looks young, too."

"Now, maybe. But as we go on, I'll get too old."

" _Hyung_ ," Hunchul said, "honestly, is it really the main reason you want to leave?"

All eyes on Hunchul, all ears on his dark tone. Everyone knew what he was trying to bring up.

Fortunately, Ikje chose to do otherwise. He shrugged, saying, "Yes, mainly."

Hunchul did not answer, crossing his arms instead. They all paused the conversation.

"Look, I think we need to bring this up," Hunchul finally said. "This 'idol rapper' thing."

"It's absurd," Ikje commented right away.

"I know," Namjoon said. "And it's weird. I mean, Bang PD- _nim_ himself told me that he wants to bring back hip-hop in Korea."

"How can it be achieved if we're going to be _idols_?" Hunchul hit the table's surface as he talked. "You know the world we were at before we became trainees. You know how—sorry— _low_ and naive it is, idols."

Hoseok felt his chest flinching, his heart skipping a beat. His face started to go out of control. Slight furrow on eyebrows and purse of lips. The conversation was flowing dangerously, to oil tankers waiting for flame.

"I'm sure Bang PD- _nim_ meant well."

Hoseok turned his eyes to Yoongi. Clenching his fingers, straining to the opposing statement.

"He wants hip-hop to be enjoyed by many. Maybe he thinks he can't start it with a normal way."

 _That's a safe one_ , Hoseok thought, quietly heaving a relieved sigh, face muscles laxing.

Hunchul stared at Yoongi, and Yoongi stared back through his sleepy eyes.

"He can't start it through a _misconcepted_ way."

"We still rap and write our own songs. We still watch movies and create beats at practice. We freestyle often, too."

"I think that's enough, _hyung_ ," Donghyuk said before Hunchul could counter. "Let's just keep it to ourselves."

"Yeah, all of us can make our own decisions." Ikje said, pleased.

Hunchul shrugged.

Then, all of them were dismissed.

.

Hoseok stayed in the main room. Just blank, earphones plugged, listening to his player. The others went to bed. Hunchul and Namjoon told him to sleep, but Hoseok refused with an artificial smile.

Then, Yoongi came to him. All sleepy eyes, but he seated himself beside Hoseok.

"Hello, _hyung_ ," Hoseok greeted without looking.

Yoongi nodded. "What are you listening to?"

Hoseok took off his left earphone, letting it drop to his chest. "Epik High."

Yoongi nodded again knowingly.

"You don't feel like sleeping, Hoseok?"

"No," A pause, Hoseok's fingers tapping the floor. "I can't really sleep worried."

"I understand," Yoongi immediately said, "I can relate."

Hoseok shifted his gaze to Yoongi, silence flowing, the song he was listening becoming audible outside. Yoongi had been staring at him for what felt like ages. Hoseok had never gotten used to it, to the nervousness that stirred his defense. But under two digit hours, under a late night near a new day, his walls started to go down.

Thus, he just gave a smile, despite looking strained.

Yoongi's eyes were still glued to him. Felt weird, it had been. Strange contact, it had been. But Hoseok had gotten nothing filtering, and it just flowed in.

Breaking the contact, Hoseok asked randomly, "When is your birthday, _hyung_?"

"My birthday?" Yoongi echoed. "Today?"

Hoseok laughed. " _Hyung_ , really."

"I'm serious, it's today. It's ninth of March, right?"

Hoseok checked the date on his phone. It was.

"It's really today?"

"Yes, Seokseok. Why would I lie?"

Hoseok's eyebrows floated in surprise, his mouth forming half a smile. "You didn't tell me!"

A smile emerged in Yoongi's face, too. "Why? Why should I tell you?"

"And what—what did _hyung_ just call me?"

Yoongi shrugged his shoulders slightly. "Seokseok."

Hoseok derped his face. Yoongi laughed, all gummy and teethy. It surprised Hoseok to see Yoongi being a total opposite of silent and swag. He looked alive.

"Anyway, happy birthday, _hyung_. Did you celebrate your birthday?"

"No, I don't. Why should I?"

"Ah, really. I don't know either. Just," Resting his chin on his palm, Hoseok faced Yoongi. "We celebrated my birthday and Ikje- _hyung_ 's. I thought we should celebrate yours, too."

Yoongi waved his arms. "No, no, it would be bothersome. I'd rather spend a day being productive than celebrating something." Rubbing his eyes. "Also, you know, with the situation at hand, we can't."

"Yeah," Hoseok agreed to it.

"Don't worry too much about it, though."

Hoseok turned to Yoongi. This time, Yoongi was not staring, just leaning his body on one hand, legs crossed under the table.

Somehow, Hoseok felt that talking became more comfortable at the moment.

"What if everyone leaves?"

Synthesized intrument and stillness of the night streamed down Hoseok's ears. He stared at the older, waiting.

Yoongi slowly turned his head, eyes straight into Hoseok's.

"Will you stay?"

Hoseok's eyebrows fluttered at the question. Yoongi kept staring, deep, asking, but at the same time, it felt as if he was pulling the answer from Hoseok. As if he had known.

That was strange. A strangeness that Hoseok followed.

"I will."

And Yoongi smiled. Not exactly a smile, just a little deepening at the corner of his mouth. Looking as if he had known, amused, but also relieved.

"Good," He said, "because I will, too."

~ ᶋ ~

The next day, Hoseok woke up with a headache.

Hoseok cursed himself for not sleeping earlier. When he woke up, the windows were already bright. He looked to the bunk beds on his left, finding them tidy. The air conditioner was already turned off. Just how late did he wake up?

With headache and tempting pillow and blanket, he thought he might as well get up later. But right then, someone opened the door.

"Who's still sleeping?"

Hoseok peeked. It was Ikje- _hyung_.

"Ow, is it Hoseokie?" Ikje asked, entering the room and closing the door. He climbed to the top bunk bed beside Hoseok, sitting across him.

Hoseok growled, clutching at his blanket. "I don't want to wake up yet."

"Lazy boy. I have returned from work and you haven't woken your ass up yet," Ikje laughed, throwing a pillow at Hoseok.

"My head hurts, _hyung_ ," Hoseok said, unintentionally sounding a lot like whining. He felt embarassed the second he did so.

"Ah, really?" Ikje scratched the back of his head. "I guess we gave you that headache."

Hoseok did not answer, closing his eyes instead.

"Hoseok."

"Hm?" Came the idle mumble.

"I think I will quit today."

Hoseok opened his eyes, only to feel his left side of head aching.

"That's fast, _hyung_."

Ikje nodded.

"I want to stay rapping, so I will definitely continue in this field. Just—not in Bangtan."

"I understand," Hoseok said, forcing a smile, bringing his weak fist up. " _Hwaiting_ , _hyung_."

Ikje stared at Hoseok.

"You too. I wish the best for you all."

Ikje lowered his head, staring at his own lap. He stayed like that for what felt like minutes, then forced Hoseok to get up, which the latter reluctantly did so.

.

So, actually, Hoseok woke up at ten.

He was starving, but he waited until afternoon. By lunch, his headache subsided, but it returned when they watched a movie on practice with Hyowon. He bore with it, attempting on making beats and following the discussion. During dance practice with Seongdeuk, he felt really dizzy just getting up, so he returned to dorm after the first dancing session was finished and everyone had had dinner.

Entering the apartment, he rushed to his bed, head spinning at the change of position. He was itching to plug on his earphones and listen to some tracks, but his head had hurt too much.

It was evening, the sky a dull blue getting darker every minute. Hoseok did want to sleep sooner, but not this soon. Waking up at dawn with no choice but to sleep again, then have a weird dream and wake up too late in the morning, it would get him bad mood—and possibly more headache.

He lingered his gaze staunchly to the ceiling. Static. Tired.

Before silence could lull him to sleep, he heard the front door opening and footsteps walking inside, telling him that his loning time was over. Maybe he should just pretend sleeping.

"Hoseok?"

It was a deep voice, deep with concern. Hoseok did not need to bother getting up, because the owner of the voice had stood by the opened bedroom door.

"Yoongi- _hyung_?"

"You're awake," Yoongi said, still standing at his place. "Are you still feeling dizzy? Have you taken any medicine?"

"No," Hoseok said, pausing because his head had hurt again. "I'm fine, _hyung_. Just lacking sleep."

The older man was silent, then he walked away. Hoseok thought he was going to do something and return to the room soon, so he waited.

Turned out, he brought Hoseok a water bottle. He climbed to the top bunk bed across him.

"You should drink. Can you get up?"

Hoseok nodded, proceeding to get up and drink as much as he could take.

"Thank you, _hyung_ ," He put the bottle beside his pillow and lay down again. Yoongi took the bottle.

And it came again. Both of them staring at each other. The lamp light being behind him, Yoongi looked dark and Hoseok couldn't see him clearly, but his presence itself had made Hoseok relieved.

"Where are the others?" Hoseok asked, because he felt the need to.

"They will return later," Combing his bangs. "You, just get well soon. I will take care of you."

The words were comforting and the tone was firm, sheltering. It reminded him of home, of the ease it brings, but also the spring, warm wind and shades of tree. Hoseok might not realize it, but inwardly, it was all he needed.

"Don't stress too much," The sleepy-eyed man suddenly advised.

The younger protested weakly, "I don't."

"You do." Yoongi took the _dongsaeng_ 's blanket, spreading it on him. "Just rest. Just, I don't want you to go through what I do."

Familiarity hit Hoseok, but he said nothing. Yoongi had stated it before, and he said it again. Maybe he knew Hoseok wouldn't ask, but that did not mean that he really wouldn't.

But well, Hoseok wouldn't, because he did not feel like he needed to. He merely stared, because it was all Yoongi had always done, and Yoongi stared back.

" _Hyung_."

Yoongi lifted his head in reply.

"I haven't taken a bath."

With half-opened eyes, Yoongi blinked a few times. Looking unimpressed.

"Do you want to take a bath before I do, or I take bath first?"

"I don't want to take a bath," Hoseok said, laughing slowly.

"Alright. I'll go first, and you take bath after me."

Yoongi laughed at his own obligatory statement, and for once, Hoseok felt safe to whine at someone outside his family. And that led Hoseok to a surprise, which was the feel of warmth on his temple, Yoongi brushing his hair softly.

Once again, Yoongi's gesture reminded him of home. Of the motherly touch caressing him every night. Of the sunset drowning in the skyline, the calm sentiments that went with it.

"I'll take a bath now," Yoongi said, climbing down the bunk bed. "I'll call you when I'm done."

Hoseok smiled, the memory of touch lingering to his mind. In the back of his head, just one random little thoughts, he thought it was funny, how affectionate Yoongi could be when he cared.

When Yoongi called him for bath later, he refered him as Seokseok. Hoseok had asked a _pardon_ , and Yoongi had said a _nope, nothing_ , telling him to get out of bed instead.

~ ᶋ ~

Choi Ikje really left.

Hoseok was surprised at how fast it happened. How easily the CEO accepted it. Maybe their talk that day wasn't short, but still.

His worry was simple. One leaving often leads to another. That was all.

Losing a member in trainee era was nothing new, Hoseok knew well—he himself had left a company before. But Ikje was one of the trainees chosen to be, out of the around thirty trainees—he heard from Yoongi before. So, maybe, he just thought that it was such a pity.

But Bangtan would be having new members. Hit It third audition had already started. The brochure was spreaded. People were entering.

Unfortunately around this time, Hoseok got a stomachache. And diarrhea. For a good couple of days already.

It had started from him stressing over the task Hyowon had given. Producing one full song individually. Rewriting had already been so difficult, let alone producing a whole piece. Hoseok had zero idea on where he should begin.

"Hoseok, you look dead," Yoongi greeted him one afternoon.

"I hope I am."

"You'd better have a decent reason to."

Hoseok didn't reply. He pushed his head to the chair's back, eyes looking dead. Yoongi decided to play with his phone.

Eventually, Hoseok's eyes fell to Yoongi on his side. He called, " _Hyung_."

Yoongi turned his head, eyes questioning.

"Do you have a free time?"

"Uh…," Yoongi made a slurping noise. "Sure, after school, before practice. Right now. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing."

Yoongi tilted his head, making another slurping noise. "You want to go somewhere?"

Hoseok's answer came after a few thoughtful flickers, "Hospital." Pausing. "I think I suffer from enteritis. I've experienced it before."

Yoongi stared, eyebrows raised slightly. He put back his phone into his pocket, stood up, and pulled Hoseok's arm.

"Get up and grab your wallet. Let's go."

Hoseok's stomach growled. "What? Right now?"

"The sooner, the better."

Subconsciously, Hoseok's arm tensed, caught off guard.

"Come on, get up," Yoongi urged him, patting his shoulder. "I'll accompany you, so don't worry."

Hoseok looked at Yoongi. Holding back his smile, because everything Yoongi did, with that straight face of his, he found it funny.

But his intestine voiced its protest, stinging his insides, so he got up eventually.

~ ᶋ ~

Lately, Hunchul went out often.

Donghyuk had said that Hunchul- _hyung_ probably met his friends. His _underground_ friends.

That afternoon was one of those times. Hunchul went off to who knows where and Yoongi had not returned from school, leaving the youngests together at dorm.

"Hunchul- _hyung_ texted me," Namjoon announced to the other two same-aged friends who were watching TV uninterestedly, "someone will come over to deliver new beds."

"How many are the beds?" Hoseok asked.

"Two?" Namjoon looked at his phone again, making sure. "Yep. It's two."

"It's real," Donghyuk sniffed. "We're having new members."

Everyone relapsed into silence. Namjoon ended it by saying that the three of them should go eat after the beds arrived.

So they did, because it was three in the afternoon, even though the older trainees had not returned. _They_ _can take care of themselves_ , Namjoon had said.

In the midst of eating, they had a long talk, because Donghyuk had opened it with: "Don't you think Hunchul- _hyung_ is going to leave soon?"

Namjoon's face fell at the frank question, and Hoseok was plain startled.

"That's a bold thing to say," Hoseok said, trying to laugh it away.

"I'm serious. He went out so often these days. I think he'll start skipping practice too."

Namjoon put a ball of rice in his mouth, choosing to ignore Donghyuk. Probably he had depressed himself enough to put up with such talks.

"What do you think, Namjoon? Since, I think you've known him for quite long," Donghyuk asked.

Namjoon sighed. "He had a tough life, but so did all of us. He's really excellent on his thing, and I think he can do these idol things too, but he just _won't_ do it."

Come to think of it, Hoseok just realized that Namjoon had always been trying hard. There were times when he got tired from it all and decided to rest, but he had never given up. Not yet. Or probably would never.

Donghyuk nodded. "I actually agree with him at some point, but I think … he shouldn't act this way. There's no need to be all … rebellious."

"I agree," Hoseok commented. "I understand, living hip-hop, but this is professional world as well."

Donghyuk replied, "It's hard, indeed, balancing it all," Licking the tip of his chopsticks. "We're not even adult yet, but I already feel like adulting is no fun."

"I don't know anymore," Namjoon mumbled.

Hoseok looked at him. "You don't know anymore?" He asked, putting the chopsticks on the plate as he finished.

"I thought we once were a great team and I would enjoy working with you all."

"We _are_ ," Hoseok insisted, "we still are."

It attracted the other two's attention. They stared at Hoseok and fell silent, Namjoon looking like he was between dumbfounded or internally saying _are you blind?_ at Hoseok.

"That's what I believe. We make a great team if we try hard and be sure of it."

Namjoon's gaze softened, lingering at Hoseok before he drank his tea. Then he said, barely above a murmur, "I hope it were that easy."

"Best saying of the day," Donghyuk stated, followed with a chuckle.

.

Hunchul returned at dusk, right before practice time. Donghyuk's tone was flat and he wasn't looking when he greeted the leader.

And it just crossed Hoseok's head too when Hunchul asked, "Where's Yoongi?"

Yoongi had never returned to Seoul late, and even if he did, Hoseok was sure he would have left a message in any kind. He had checked his phone, and there were no messages from him. Hoseok had not asked him, but he might as well just call him rather than send a text, so he did. Five times. All unanswered.

Hoseok had thought, maybe Yoongi wanted to stay home. Maybe he was caught in a family problem. Or problem at work or school. Maybe he would call back seeing the missed calls.

Past midnight, until practice had finished, until Hoseok had taken a shower and gone to bed, there were no calls. Or any signs of Yoongi.

Hoseok had thought again, whatever it was, whatever it might be, it wasn't any of his business. And shouldn't be.

~ ᶋ ~

The next day, Yoongi was still missing.

The others were worried, but they had said, they could wait until the next day. And Hoseok had agreed.

Still, he constantly attempted on calling Yoongi. And sending texts, too.

It was after lunch, when Hoseok was lying idly on his bed, that Yoongi received his call.

Realizing it four seconds late, Hoseok greeted, "Hello, _hyung_?"

He got no response in the beginning. After a few beats, he heard something, unmistakably a bed dipping, then a solid thing bumping into a surface. Then silence.

Hoseok heard the hard thump of his heart. He waited, wondering if he should say anything.

" _Hyung_?" He asked again, more slowly.

Yoongi hung up.

.

Something was definitely wrong.

Hoseok could only send Yoongi another text, asking whether he was okay. And definitely, it was not replied.

He recalled how Yoongi had acted, what he had said. Something about not wanting Hoseok to go through what he does.

Yoongi had indirectly comforted Hoseok when Hoseok was sick. He had taken Hoseok to hospital. He had guided Hoseok during practice. He had had taken a train back to Seoul at night just to accompany a bored Hoseok on the edge of December. He had always taken care of the trainees.

So why couldn't Hoseok do the same?

Hoseok took off his headset, quitting being just all thoughts. He got up from bed, asking Namjoon beside him, "Hey, do you know where Yoongi- _hyung_ lives?"

Namjoon raised his eyebrows. "Daegu?"

"No, his address?"

"How do you expect me to know? But they might have it in Big Hit, though." He shifted his gaze to Hoseok. "No. Don't tell me."

"I'll go see him. Maybe I'll come back tonight, I don't know. I'll text any of you guys."

"Hoseok, we can wait. He might have some problems at home," Donghyuk said.

"He answered my call only to say nothing. He didn't even hang up immediately."

Namjoon and Donghyuk exchanged looks, both said nothing. Hoseok went to take his bag and any things necessary to bring.

Before he left, he had told his mates from the main room to tell the coaches where he was going, and Namjoon had replied, _don't forget to text us._

~ ᶋ ~

Looking for Yoongi's house wasn't easy. Asking for his address, taking the train, looking for the house, he finally arrived at five at dusk.

And it almost made him kneel in desperation when he clicked the bell for who knows how many times, and was left waiting for nearly half an hour.

He checked the house's number again. It was correct. The street, it should have been correct, if the driver and the people he asked on the street weren't wrong.

"Who are you?"

That voice came from a woman behind Hoseok. Startled, Hoseok impulsively asked, "Do you live in this house?"

"Yes."

"I-I'd like to see Yoongi- _hyung_ ," Hoseok said, tensed under suspicious eyes, "I'm a trainee for Big Hit like him. He hasn't come since yesterday and he … hasn't answered our texts and calls."

The next answer came as an unpleasant surprise to Hoseok.

"Yoongi is home? I didn't see him yesterday."

Hoseok's finger twitched.

The woman, who was Yoongi's mother, offered Hoseok to come in and talk. Hoseok told all he knew, including the answered call. The woman's hands trembled, probably thinking about worst possibilities. Hoseok gulped as the woman called Yoongi's father to bring the bad news, but the latter didn't answer.

The sound of bed dipping back then got Hoseok curious. It once crossed his mind that it was Yoongi in his bedroom.

So he asked, "Can we check his bedroom?"

Yoongi's mother stared at him, blinking before she answered, "Sure. I rarely came to his room, so it didn't really cross my mind."

Hoseok left his bag and phone in the living room to clear any suspicions and walked to the second floor with Yoongi's mother leading. The bedroom was closed. Yoongi's mother knocked the door, calling for Yoongi a few times.

No answer, no voice at all.

"Yoongi, I'm coming in," The mother said, opening the door which was fortunately not locked.

The sound of phone ringing spreaded in the air. Yoongi's father calling back to his wife.

"I'll answer this first," The woman said. "You can come in."

Hoseok forced a weak smile and said _yeah, I will_ before coming in.

The room was unoccupied. There was a single bed on one corner, and table, shelves of comics and CDs, wardrobe, and cupboard on one side.

"Yoongi- _hyung_?" He greeted apprehensively.

He approached the bed. Seeing a phone that seemed to be Yoongi's.

Then he shifted his gaze to his right. There was a door with some apertures for ventilation, left opened. He saw the floor tiles that seemed to be ones appropriate for a bathroom.

As his chest tightened, he stepped his cold legs to the door. Pushing the door slowly, he heard a weak hoarse voice, "Don't come here."

But Hoseok had stepped inside.

There, on the corner of the small bathroom, Yoongi sit on the dry floor. Face pallid. Eyes red and teary, not at Hoseok. Limbs trembling.

"Yoon—"

"Don't you dare come near me!" Yoongi cried.

Then, Hoseok's eyes widen. At the grits of Yoongi's teeth. At the pair of eyes shut tight. At the red stains on his arms and wrists. At the truth lit in his head, tearing his chest.

 _I don't want you to go through what I do._

 _This_ was what Yoongi went through.

~ ᶋ ~


	4. PROLOGUE: Butterfly (3)

_This_ was what Yoongi went through.

Hoseok took a deep breath. There was a stir in his gut and ruckus inside his ribcage. He felt like breaking with what his eyes were witnessing. How broken was the boy in front of him already, he had no idea.

He took a hesitant step. Carefully, so that Yoongi could not hear him. Slowly, he knelt before the shorter boy, one hand instinctively reaching for Yoongi's trembling upper arm.

"Yoongi- _hyung_ , you're hurt," Hoseok said, voice small, almost quavering.

Yoongi's eyes fluttered open. Panic attacking, he screamed, "No!"

The younger was pushed backwards, causing him to land harshly on the floor. He lamented at the hit.

Slowly in tremor, between arms covering white face and depressed pantings, Yoongi's eyes seized Hoseok. The latter tried to approach him again, slowly—it's too fast to Yoongi's red eyes. Yoongi snapped in response. He shut his eyes in fear.

" _Hyung_ —"

Yoongi cut in, voice broken and scattered, "Why are you here?"

Lashes in Hoseok's eyes wiped his top cheek as he flickered. A couple of heartbeats passed before those small lips unfolded in attempt to speak, but Yoongi's mother came in before the words were unleashed. The son noticed it, and instantly kicked Hoseok.

"Get out!"

Both Yoongi's mother and Hoseok were startled. The woman tried to raise her voice, "Yoongi—"

"I said get out!"

Hoseok saw destruction in those swollen eyes. Saw deep darkness that was formed of twisted threads in need of untangling. In need of unwanted answers, because all it wanted was breaking and crushing.

Those were the things that captured his mind in shock before Yoongi pushed him out, locking the bathroom door.

~ ᶋ ~

Yoongi was a persistent person. Even more so when he was depressed.

Hoseok thought it was a dangerous thing, Yoongi being out of his right mind. How harsh Yoongi's parents might be on facing this, he had no idea, and he was afraid of it. None of his business, really, but sometimes older people just couldn't understand how important it was not to disturb a depressed person. And they often ended up venting anger, underestimating the impact of it.

Besides, Hoseok was shocked with what he had seen in Yoongi's eyes. His complication and how dark they were.

 _Why are you here?_

Hoseok had no idea, either. What he might have an idea in, though, was how Yoongi had stayed still when he came near, not locking him out straight away. How he had questioned Hoseok as if he was interrogating an offer of help, but not turning it down straight ten meters deep into the ground.

His poor mother had been trying to get Yoongi to answer her. Hoseok took pity on her.

With a long deep sigh, the woman turned around, taking a break. She approached Hoseok, forcing a smile, saying, "I'm so sorry for what he did." Looking at the hanging clock in the room. "Ah, it's already evening! I'm sorry, I didn't realize it. You should get back to Seoul before it's too late."

Hoseok shook his head, digging the corners of his mouth so it curved up. "I have told the other trainees that I'm not going back tonight." Not exactly a lie, he would give Namjoon or Donghyuk a text after this. "If you don't mind, can I stay here instead?"

"Sure. Of course you can. You can sleep in his brother's room. Thank you so much for coming here."

Hoseok really would like to applaud her for her steady composure. He guessed strength was the base of every women. He lengthened his smile, hoping that it could encourage the woman.

When Yoongi's father returned home, he tried to talk to his son as well. But all was in vain, and his parents called it a day.

It was at night, half past eight, when Hoseok came in Yoongi's room, turned on the lights, and walked soundlessly to the locked bathroom. He stared at the door and took a gander to the apertures from above. Seeing Yoongi's back leaning there, he gulped.

"Yoongi- _hyung_ ," Hoseok started, accidentally making his voice a little louder than intended. He mumbled his apologize right away and continued, "Are you there?"

Hoseok waited. The sound of his constant exhale waited. The ticking clock waited.

He drew a sigh through his nose. Informing pointlessly, "This is Hoseok."

He looked at the door's ventilation rifts again. Saw the tiles. Yoongi had moved away from the door.

Here Hoseok was, in the corner of a dim room, under the roof of a house that wasn't his, in a city foreign to him, legs bent and chin on palm. He brought himself here. To wait for an useless thing, in lieu of sweating himself over trainings and taking care of his own future.

His eyes befell, partly in regret. He whispered, "Good night."

He stood up, then stayed still. Waiting just a little more with no real basis.

He heard the door being unlocked, lacerating sharply the regular sound of tick and tock. The door was opened only to find Hoseok standing there. Hoseok was ready to hold the door open, but Yoongi didn't shut it. The latter jolted at the sight of Hoseok.

Yoongi ended up coughing in his first attempt to speak. He must have been so dehydrated. Hoseok hurriedly pat his shoulder, finding seconds later that the other was shaking under the touch. Hoseok siphoned his fingers down to the elbow, giving just light contact.

"It's okay, _hyung_ ," Nothing was okay, not in his part, and definitely not in Yoongi's part. But he said it anyway. "I'm here."

The air caught the base of his throat. Those words felt too strange to be said out loud.

Yoongi moved backwards avoiding the contact. Hoseok understood. Taking one step back. Gulping at how foreign he still felt at his own words. How numb his tongue was feeling.

"What for?"

A huskiness in his voice was painful to hear. Hoseok tried to look at Yoongi's eyes. Yoongi went unsteady at it, gazing away in tremble.

"… To see you."

Another bitterness spread in his mouth at how mad his body felt to himself. He had no other choice. Not when the boy in front of him could barely keep himself under control. Not when he knew that Yoongi needed help.

Yoongi muttered something under his breath which Hoseok went aware of belatedly.

"Move," Yoongi repeated. Thick with gloom, heavily shattered.

Hoseok obliged and moved away, watching him in worry. Yoongi's knees betrayed the owner, shaking way too much, making him collapse to the floor.

This. The point where Hoseok could not be more worried.

He grabbed the older's arms. Helping him stand up and lie on bed. Settling himself beside the bed, waiting for Yoongi to set a comfortable position.

Hoseok smiled, a small part of him relieved. "Can I help you, anything, _hyung_?"

Yoongi refused to look at Hoseok. Refused to answer.

"You're not supposed to be here," He murmured instead, voice small, almost like a whisper to himself.

"But I am."

The answer came without missing a second. Hoseok really tried his best keeping his voice soft. Comforting. Just as how Yoongi had always been.

There was an increase of tremble in Yoongi's hurt hands. Hoseok had almost forgotten the cuts. He looked around the room, hoping to find any helpful thing. Spotting a bottle of alcohol, iodine, and a box of tissue, he came over and picked them up.

He knew Yoongi was not staring. That's good, because he didn't need to know that Hoseok was trying to clean his cuts.

Yoongi flinched at the cold substance touching wounds. "What—"

"Your parents might find out."

A very weak excuse, since they couldn't disappear just in one night. But Yoongi let him.

Hoseok noticed how Yoongi quivered more than before. Not just his hands, but his whole body as well.

A quiet, low sob floated in the air. Faltering on the ceiling and the obscure lamp. Hoseok widened his eyes at that and stopped dabbing at Yoongi's wrist.

A few sobs passed until it started to die down and Yoongi regained his voice.

"Just … leave me."

Hoseok did not hear the contradicting _don't dessert me_ underneath.

Thus, he closed the iodine bottle and put it back to its place. Giving Yoongi his last glance, who gave him his back.

Hoseok lowered his head. Compiling his hand to a fist. Teeth grazing one another behind the firmly closed lips.

He turned around. Walking closer, steps as quiet as midnight. He reached out, caressing Yoongi's back lightly with his fingertips. Tentatively. With coal eyes drooping.

"Sleep tight, _hyung_."

Yoongi's tremor increased two seconds, then dramatically declined to a halt. It went unnoticed by Hoseok, as he walked away to turn off the lights.

~ ᶋ ~

Hoseok was merely thankful that it was Sunday the next day. Thanks to it, he could insist on accompanying Yoongi.

Having nothing to do made Hoseok contemplate too much. The image of Yoongi in his misery kept flashing in his head. He wondered, how could one be caring yet so disastrous inside. Silence was what Yoongi had been all the time, but it had always been calm. Fear was what Yoongi had become now, slipping through his shaking hands and bloodshot eyes. He had trembled like he was about to break any minute and fear was evident when he so much as breathed. Vulnerable, was what Yoongi had been.

Maybe—just maybe, Yoongi had been that vulnerable all his life.

Vulnerability was all too familiar to Hoseok. Hoseok might not have had been as broken as Yoongi was, but he had been crushed to the point he needed time to gather the pieces and build himself again. A couple of things stacked inside of him, all the time, creating a crack on the wall that had yet to heal.

He had been crushed into tears when he figured he couldn't do a certain dance technique then. He had been stressed when he couldn't do something very basic—like, he had been dancing for a couple of years, why couldn't he do a simple thing? He was pressured by criticisms, by the people who judged without knowing how hard he tried.

And love, sure. Love had broken most people alive on earth. Hoseok was not an exception. How crummy a person was he to be left by that girl who hopped to another boy's arms? It had frustrated him, but Hoseok was over it now. Still, it did not count as fearing to be crappy, and being perfectionistic in everything he did.

Still, was relatableness a good enough reason to neglect his own needs and then take care of the other at the receiving end?

It was around ten in the morning when Hoseok received a text from Namjoon. The conversation that went from there wasn't helping at all—Namjoon asking how Yoongi was and telling Hoseok that he shouldn't be meddling too much in one's business.

Except when Namjoon had said, _you're too kind, Hoseok. But thank you._

It made Hoseok mind a little less. Lifted a small fragment of weight on his shoulders.

Helping others had never been bad, Hoseok knew. He just hoped that the thought could relieve him enough to stay. Because—he had seen it. Seen Yoongi walking out of the bathroom when Hoseok talked to him, but not when his parents did. Seen Yoongi fear a little less in Hoseok's presence. Heard no protests from him, nor shouts.

Yoongi's mother relied on Hoseok when he told her that he had talked to her son, and that the latter had come out of the bathroom last night. She asked Hoseok to comfort Yoongi and bring the lunch to him, her voice nearly desperate.

Being asked for help was probably one of the things Hoseok was soft to, because he really could never refuse. Not when Yoongi's mother was so well-mannered and full of concern.

And, this was for Yoongi. Hoseok was pretty sure he could do it. Maybe not in one second, but he would try to make progress.

Hoseok was about to knock the door when he heard some voices inside the bedroom. It was Yoongi's voice, still dry and raspy like the night before. Hoseok strained his ears, finding out that Yoongi was conversing with someone, probably on phone. He decided to wait, carefully hearing, waiting for anything that sounded like a farewell.

It didn't take too long until silence overtook the bedroom. Hoseok knocked the door.

" _Hyung_ ," Hoseok wet his lips tentatively, "can I come in?"

Expectedly, Yoongi did not answer.

"I'm going in," Hoseok said, then carefully opened the door.

He was met with darkness. Instinctively, he reached the switch, turning on the lamp. Yoongi was lying on the bed, body facing upwards, blanket messily ruffled.

"Sorry," Hoseok muttered, closing the door with his back. "I bring your lunch. I hope you at least eat, _hyung_."

Yoongi was covering his eyes with the back of his hand. Hoseok felt guilty. He waited, watching Yoongi facing away, pulling his blanket to cover his whole body. Saw the untouched bread on the nightstand. Approached it, and arranged the food on the table. Looked at Yoongi.

"Do you feel like talking yet, _hyung_?" Hoseok asked slowly, voice emitted as quiet as he could. "I'm here to listen."

Listening was the least he could do. Even if Yoongi wanted more than that, Hoseok would be willing to grant it gladly, as getting Yoongi to do anything, to ask for anything, were difficult already.

"Have you ever been like this?"

Hoseok jolted at the mumbled question. Surprisingly, Yoongi tore himself from the blanket and turned to Hoseok—despite gazing away quickly from the latter.

"You mean…," Hoseok took one skeptic step closer, "like you, _hyung_?"

Hoseok implied no malice in those words, but those small, swollen eyes seemed to be caught by fear. He approached the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress.

"I—I don't think I've had it as hard as you do," Hoseok started, "but I have."

Through his bangs, Hoseok kept his eyes slanted to Yoongi. Witnessing how the other pair of sooty irises apprehensively fluxing to his own.

Hoseok lugged both corners of his mouth at that.

"This is ridiculous, but," Hoseok gazed down, "we are pretty similar, aren't we, _hyung_?"

He gently brushed his gaze back up, finding Yoongi's still riveted at him.

"We are."

The agreement came in an undertone. Came as a relief to the still smiling Hoseok. And they spent reticence gazing each other, with Yoongi constantly slightly jolted in nervousness. Hoseok didn't mind walking following Yoongi's pace.

Yoongi closed his eyes. Hoseok waited.

Came the voice, pushing the silence out to the door, followed by a sharp expelling of breath: "Hoseok."

When those lids went agape, it was a dark glass about to rupture. It was the blubbery clouds before the rainstorm. It was the obscurity that Hoseok hesitated one second to go through to grasp Yoongi on the other side of it.

"My _hyung_ called me," Yoongi continued. "I couldn't tell him what happened. I couldn't believe what he said."

Yoongi took a long intake of breath, then discharged the air shakingly.

"He said," A pause. "He counted on me, on my music…, no matter what happened." He closed his eyes again. "He believed … that the group would make it."

Hoseok let out the breath he unconsciously held in.

"But I just can't," Yoongi turned his head, dipping in the pillow, voice shivering under proper control. "I can't believe in myself anymore."

The rain fell in Yoongi's bleary entity, and Hoseok could feel it drenching on him. Could feel a tingling scratch inside his ribcage. Could feel the cold stinging his marrows.

Hoseok felt his body going numb seeing Yoongi. How the older gripped too strongly to the sheets. How droplets of tears swam on his face. How much Yoongi was suffering.

He knew it too well. Disbelieving oneself—he knew how painful it is. He knew that it's the risk taken when he decided to be an artist, to be someone who abstain the conventional. The pressure from outside, the pressure that he gave to himself, the knowledge that he would never be enough…, he knew immediately that those were the things Yoongi was suffering to. Because they were artists.

It was beyond Hoseok how he managed to lift his hand and land it carefully on Yoongi's shoulder. Giving faltered caresses. Sharing his warmth.

Yoongi faced away. Refusing to look at Hoseok. Refusing to be accompanied in his broken state. Yet leaning to the soothing Hoseok was giving.

Noticing the reduction of jolts Yoongi gave from the contact, Hoseok continued stroking the side of his neck. The tiny strands of hair at his nape.

"Yoongi- _hyung_ ," said the younger with such mellowness he didn't know he could give, "you're okay. You're alright. You can sleep and rest for a while."

Both of them knew that it was a lie. But both knew that it was the only words their ears wanted to hear. And Hoseok meant it. Yoongi was okay. Yoongi was alright.

The older started to sob. He hid it by curling himself, facing away from Hoseok. But he refused nothing. He accepted everything Hoseok said and did.

To Hoseok, that was all he needed.

~ ᶋ ~

 _You're just like a butterfly._

 _From afar, I steal glances; if we touch hands, will I lose you?_

 _You shine in this pitch darkness that is the butterfly effect._

 _Your light touches, I forget the reality at once._

It was a little after his birthday.

It was him being overly confident.

He was humiliated in the worst way. He humiliated himself. Too proud of himself. Taking the opportunity that he thought was a good one. Thinking too highly of himself. All to be faced by reality, performing in front of two pairs of sneering eyes.

He had continued there, stepping to the middle of stage, not stopping himself. Why? Raging in humiliation? Self-defense? The need for recognition?

Had he been wrong? What was it that made it wrong?

Those questions emerged late, when he was about to end. Flared when he walked away trembling. He witnessed his arms shaking, trying to stop it by grabbing it with the other hand. Scratching it.

He cursed under his breath, then screamed. But he could feel it. Pairs of eyes watching. People on the street whispering.

And he trembled more. He managed to somehow hid himself under the hoodies, getting away from the crowd before falling to the ground. Reaching home, somehow. He hated the two audience mocking him through their eyes. He loathed the people whispering about him. He detested himself for taking pride in himself. For believing in himself.

For being alive.

Voices resonated in his ears. The humiliations ringing. Almost falling down the stairs, he reached his bedroom. Trapping himself as a day went by. Killing his mind. Regaining sanity only to be slapped by reality over and over again. Very much like being drowned over and over again.

Then he accidentally lay on his phone. Accidentally accepted a phone call.

 _"Hello,_ hyung _?"_

Yoongi was terrified. Terrified by any voice that wasn't his. Terrified by any presence that wasn't him.

He pulled himself back too quickly, hitting the wall in return. It was another hit of reality to him. That he had nowhere to run away, that everyone on earth would bring him down.

 _"_ Hyung _?"_

His trembled fingers hung up the call. Then he got off his bed. Walking to the bathroom. Collapsing right away.

The best thing he could get was a short sleep.

And a turning point.

That boy was the turning point. The one who came to him out of pure concern. The one who stayed. Who led him into feeling a little more secure sleeping.

He was the light in the pitch darkness that was Yoongi.

He was the solution that Yoongi had begged for.

~ ᶋ ~

The next time he opened his eyes, Hoseok was welcomed by an aching waist. He squawked at it, warned harshly that sleeping _by_ the bed and not _on_ the bed is a terrible idea.

The room was still dim under the murky lamp light. The clock was ticking. Hoseok took a look at it, slowly recollected his memory, and counted. Two hours of sleep.

He heard some little noises of slight movements on the bed. Yoongi shuffled on the bed, turning to Hoseok. Startled at the sight of Hoseok, he looked away.

Hoseok moved following his eyes. Smiling. Yoongi flickered in disbelief.

"What—are you doing?"

"Making you feel better, hopefully," replied Hoseok, voice dry.

Yoongi was somehow surprised. He snuffled, facing upwards. "How do you expect me to react?" He covered his forehead with the back of his hand. Hoseok watched it shaking as Yoongi said again, "Did you think you could get through me with all this?"

And it flowed, something flowed, somehow went down to Yoongi looking at Hoseok. In the eyes. For the first time here.

Hoseok was sure it was meant to attack him, but he didn't feel attacked. Sensing tension, he chose to stay silent.

Yoongi chuckled. "Do you think you know me?"

Hoseok lifted his eyebrows. "Of course."

"You're wrong," Yoongi coughed out of huskiness. "You don't know me at all."

A confused, thoughtful silence. Hoseok tried to translate his words, "You need more time for yourself?"

"More than that. I don't need you to interfere."

Hoseok stared. Because he wasn't sure that he heard right. He observed. The sharp look in his eyes. Drifting to the stiffness of his gesture. Then finding that Yoongi's gaze had something beneath that started emerging into surface. Fear.

The sky was grumbling outside as if it was forcefully summoned. The wind was knocking occasionally on the window. It was about to rain in the middle of spring.

" _Hyung_ ," said like a whisper, "you're making it hard for yourself."

Yoongi released a long breath.

"I'm just saying that I want to handle it on my own." Shaking his head. "No. I _can_ handle it on my own."

The first drop of rain hit the glass pane.

With the shaking that overtook Yoongi here and there, Hoseok wasn't so convinced. He murmured in honesty that only a pure child could match, "I want to be of help."

 _Be of help. Hoseok wants to be of help._

Yoongi seeped in the words. His eyelids went down, revealing only half his eyeball.

Surely Hoseok knew what it meant to _be of help_. It would mean being tied to Yoongi, being a target of his pain, being a temporary fix that would not mend, being someone who is expected to keep comforting him, leading him, faced with the rejections and painful egocentric words, with no certain positive outcome. It would mean being selfless for an endless span of time and taking unnecessary responsibility. But Hoseok _wanted_ to _be of help_ , and that would mean he believing in an opportunity of improving. Believing. Expecting. It was expectation.

Those words were just a form of expectation.

Yoongi gave no answer, no reaction whatsoever. Hoseok saw the subtle shifting happening. There was a slow turn, slow building of a wall.

Hoseok couldn't get in, though a fragile wall it was. Yoongi gave no permission, and Hoseok would not force his way.

The rest of the time he tried to get through it, and as long as it was did Yoongi stay shut.

~ ᶋ ~

 _It's like a wind that gently strokes me,_

 _It's like a dust that gently drifts along._

 _You're there, but for some reason I can't reach you, stop._

 _You, who's like a dream, are a butterfly high to me._

The next day, Hoseok returned to Seoul. Yoongi tagged along without a word with eyes so swollen he got almost unrecognizable.

Hoseok was worried, but what could he do? He probably could only hold the other trainees from asking risky questions directly and keep an eye on the older's progress. He still had responsibilities to fulfill as a trainee.

Back to the dorm, they were already having a new member. The new trainee introduced himself as Jin Hyosang. He was older than Hoseok by two years. He was a really good-looking boy with a defined, thick eyebrows and nicely-shaped eyes. He was accepted as a rapper. Hoseok introduced himself and Yoongi, trying to make a good impression while trying his best to abstain Yoongi from social interactions. But to his surprise, Yoongi himself was acting pretty much as usual, welcoming the new addition properly in his way, just a bit grumpier.

Something revolved in his head. It's a sad thing, he thought. It's sad to have to pretend and lock yourself behind the bars deep there. The outside world does not tolerate, and the ones aware are bound to adapt. Yoongi was well-aware of it.

Hoseok brushed that thought aside. Yoongi was not fine, but he could _manage_.

.

"By the way, Hoseok, what happened?"

It was the first question that came that day, delivering Namjoon's worried demeanor into words.

Hoseok sighed, gulping down water on a generous amount, then wiped the corner of his mouth.

The two of them were seated in a cafe near the dorm. The others were too tired to join them, but Namjoon was craving hard some sweet latte and Hoseok was kind enough to accompany. It was late at night, the air chilling and wind blowing in all directions, the street lights reflecting on the dark asphalt. Hoseok looked at that tall street lamp out the kind-of-haze window, sinking deeper into his not-so-comfy seat.

"I don't know either. He refused to tell."

Namjoon scratched the side of his neck. "But he's looking pretty okay now, it seems? Just as usual. Like a grumpy gramps."

Hoseok let out a long, tired sigh. "You don't see how he was two days ago."

"How was he?"

Hoseok hesitated, trying to find a straightforward way to put it without being too explicit. "Joon, did you see his hands?"

Namjoon nodded. "I recall he said he accidentally hurt it with his pencil."

"Don't you think his eyes were too swollen when we came back?"

A shrug. "His eyes have always been slanted as far as I know."

Hoseok groaned. Namjoon was disappointed to see his joke going unlaughed, instead offering Hoseok his drink, which the latter took a little sip from. _Oh, it's good,_ Hoseok mused. Namjoon grinned, _I know, right_.

"Namjoon, I think … Yoongi is having a serious problem. It's a miracle to me that he was acting so much like usual today, but when I look at it again, he's definitely still not okay."

Yoongi only slipped out the slightest hint, but it didn't escape Hoseok's eyes. He was still trembling on conversations. He always walked behind all of them. When Hoseok turned his head to take a look at him, Yoongi would jolt a little. Yoongi always hid himself, and all Hoseok could do was watch him shaking, ignoring the hard clutching deep in his bones.

Namjoon gave him an earnest, ready stare. "If you think you can share this with me, please do."

"Well, I'm already telling you." Hoseok gave a pause, looking around the sleepy-atmosphered cafe. The few people there were awake, busy with laptop or their partners. The music floating in the air was slow and muted. He took a glance at the menu on the wall and the brown furniture—table, chairs, and the pictures of coffee beans and cups.

He gathered his words and finally said, "I think Yoongi is having some serious depression and social phobia."

Namjoon stayed silent, letting the quietness dancing on the table they were sharing.

Hoseok recollected the image of Yoongi trembling, hurt and broken in the corner of his bathroom, the glassy eyes full of fear.

"I went to his house. His mother didn't even know he was there. When I found him, he was really in a terrible shape." Tapping the arm of the chair with his fingers, he paused, carefully thinking over the right words to muster. But that was all he ended up being able to utter.

In contrast, Namjoon was reserved. "That's it? He was in a terrible shape?"

"His hands, his arms, he was hurt here and there. I don't know who did it to him. He was so pale, too." Hoseok kept touching his drinking bottle unreasonably. "And … he kept locking himself."

Sipping his latte, Namjoon questioned, "You got him out?"

"Kind of, I guess? That night I tried to talk to him, and he finally went out. But I couldn't get anything out of him, and of course forcing him isn't an option. He's in a delicate phase."

"A delicate phase," Namjoon repeated. "You're right."

He questioned no more and pondered, probably thinking of posibilities. The muted music felt somewhat more audible.

"I'm worried," Hoseok admitted.

"I'm as worried as you are," Namjoon sighed. "But, Hoseok, take care of yourself too. The burden of one member is shared with all. And Yoongi- _hyung_ —we can only wait and make sure we're here for him to spit out the thing."

"Yes," said Hoseok faintly, recalling the school, the practice that needed doing, the homeworks that needed finishing. "We have lots of things going on, don't we."

Namjoon smiled bitterly at it, raising his cup of coffee, mumbling, "That's life for us."

~ᶋ~

Hoseok watched Yoongi acting more tired than usual. The latter started talking to Hoseok again and seemed to go somewhere more often. Later he figured out that Yoongi kept working out in his spare time.

The development was still strange to Hoseok. He was waiting for a breakdown to occur in a near time, but it didn't happen.

About three days after their return, Hoseok followed Yoongi working out. It was unintended. Hoseok had just returned from school and was bored waiting for the others, so he went to the agency and happened to come across Yoongi who was about to work out. Hoseok joined him.

"How are you, _hyung_?"

Setting the treadmill, Yoongi gave a quarter-hearted response, "Just how you know how I am."

Hoseok was somewhat silenced by those words.

In the middle of exercising, Hoseok asked, _why working out so much lately?_ to which Yoongi answered, _my weight is too much._

 _Too much? But your frame looks just fine._ Hoseok got no reply. He added, _fighting,_ hyung.

About an hour later, Yoongi wiped his sweat thoroughly with a towel and wrapped up. He told Hoseok he was going.

"Are you going back to the dorm, _hyung_?" Hoseok asked after catching his breath.

"Nope. Delivery part time job. My shift's soon."

"You're so busy," Hoseok mused. "Let's go eat first, _hyung_."

"No, I should hurry."

"Don't worry, I won't take much of your time. It's on me. Let's go."

Hoseok took Yoongi's arm and pulled him out the gym room. Yoongi gave in. They walked down the stairs, fanned by the cold the air conditioner gave. They passed the gray walls, the dance practice room, and the _Big Hit Entertainment_ writing.

"Hoseok."

"Hm?"

"You've got the guts to hold my hand."

Hoseok stared confused.

"The cuts are still there."

"O-Oh." Hoseok instantly dropped his hold. "Sorry, _hyung_."

But Yoongi patted his back, his face a bit lightening, seeming to enjoy the look on Hoseok's face. Hoseok took a look at Yoongi's white arm. The cuts were no longer there.

A knot was untangled, and Hoseok heaved a consoled sigh. He smiled and said, "Let's go to the cafe we frequent. I want to try the new menu."

Yoongi nodded. He still kept his words to a minimum, but if Hoseok was interpreting correctly, the former was being rather wary of his surrounding and kept a close distance with him.

Hoseok didn't mind in the least. He would give all the protection and sense of safety Yoongi needed if Yoongi could gain any from him.

Hoseok purposely took the table at the corner, let Yoongi sit in the more hidden part, and did the ordering for both of them. Yoongi lingered his gaze a little longer at Hoseok. The latter took it as an unspoken thanks. During their conversation, Hoseok did the talking and reacting, Yoongi nodding and adding little comments as response. When their food came, they ate rather quietly.

When Hoseok randomly asked where Yoongi was yesterday, Yoongi finally told his tale, answering rather hesitantly.

"I went to … a psychiatrist. My parents came up from Daegu."

Hoseok carefully observed Yoongi's expression. The latter continued, _Not my idea. And it wasn't particularly pleasant being asked private things, this and that. I'm not sure whether it's helpful._

"My parents told me," He added after a long silence, "that they don't really know me anymore. But it's not like they ever know."

Noted. _Yoongi didn't get along that well with his parents._

"Do you plan on keep visiting the psychiatrist?"

Yoongi shrugged, uncomfortably shifting in his seat. A gloom appeared cascading him. Clearly he was having dark thoughts.

" _Hyung_ ," Hoseok called, casting an encouraging smile, "thanks for letting me know. I won't tell the others if you're not ready. And if you want to talk, just find me, we can go somewhere and I'll listen."

"Appreciated. Let's forget about this topic."

"Let's talk about how free we would be when we get out of school. Ah, I can't wait," Hoseok chuckled.

"Well, why don't we just drop out? There's something irresistibly charming about it," Yoongi said, then as if he had just moved to a different dimension, he said, "oh, I've got to go."

Hoseok got up and paid for the bill. Then, they parted ways. Hoseok did not forget to encourage him with a smile and a light pat in the shoulder. And Yoongi, standing stuck a bit too long, returned the smile.

Hoseok had no idea, but to Yoongi, he was his link to the real world.

~ ᶋ ~

.

 _Is it true?_

 _You._

 _You're so beautiful, that I'm scared._

Talking to Hoseok, it finally slipped inside his mind—

That the former was so bright it's blinding.

 _Untrue._

 _You._

All the more reason for him to stay away, before the late rises to existence.

~ᶋ~

Music. Instruments. Types. Genres. Everything about them is enchanting, tireless, and fresh. As he learnt, Hoseok found that music, this invisible thing of harmonized and rhythmic sound, was very wide, very various. Upon learning the fact, he felt very helpless.

This helplessness lasted him days. He didn't know when it would stop. Every time he learnt, every time he tried to create beats and melodies, helplessness came to him. When he did his usual research and study, he felt helpless after browsing a few materials. When he listened to his regular portion of all kinds of music, he felt helpless. He was confused. There were so many options to choose, so little experience he had in hand, so much knowledge to be learnt at once.

Creating songs from movies were quite an effective method. Having a theme was like a guide for the trainees. They already knew the mood they should create, and could focus on building that mood from scratch. In the beginning, they made beats, but now Hyowon started urging them to try writing some rap or melody. _It would be good for you to practise sooner. You develop a sense. The longer you've been at it, the more experience you gain, the sharper that sense gets._

And composing was definitely not his only task. He should keep practising dance everyday, learning rapping and advancing in it, finding what syle would suit him best, doing useless homeworks and papers and all, doing laundry, cleaning the dorm, working out…. All those kept him occupied and spent, leaving stuck a dull emotion day by day.

How more helpless could he feel? To reach a dream that was his or so he convinced himself, so much he needed to chase just to be capable. The issue pressed them all to their limits, pressuring them into depression oftentimes, lending restless sleeps and sore throats—it was the weight of their dream, of what was needed to reach it, of the uncertainty and unclarity.

What excited all of them was that they finally started making appearances. Hunchul, Namjoon, and Donghyuk was featuring rapping in Kan Miyeon's song, _Because I'm Foolish Woman_ , back in February. It was their first—or, Hoseok's first after he joined the group. From then on they were often featured in their seniors' songs, though mostly the ones in the same agency as they were. Some of their songs were also being released to public. Being given chances excited them to no end, giving a little push of motivation to their activities.

Recently, Big Hit staffs started calling Namjoon "Rap Monster." It was derived from a song he created—he shouted "Rap monster!" at the end of it. He got flustered every time someone called him that. Hoseok thought it indeed had a nice, catchy ring to it. The song was really nice to listen to, too.

One hectic day in May, school was being hard on Hoseok. He had received commissioned education in Gwangju since he signed a contract with Big Hit, so he still needed to take a train to Gwangju and back everyday, unlike Namjoon and Yoongi who had recently moved to a high school in Seoul. Hoseok couldn't possibly join them—he had entered a famous academy specialized in dancing. It was tiring to go back and forth everyday, but he enjoyed schooling there.

Back to the story, Hoseok had a paper homework (which he loathed the most—it's useless!) and some problems came up. He slept too late, woke up late, came to school late, then had to collect some signs and come up with some excuse to get to class. The paper homework was done in groups, and his classmate did a bad job. All he asked was to print the document—why ruining the fonts and spaces and margins? The final file was not with him and it's in his other classmate's computer at home…, et cetera. At dance class, someone accidentaly hit his shoulder. Another hit his stomach. _The room is cramped,_ Hoseok inhaled—he understood and let it go. The day was frigging hot as well, although it was still spring. He tripped on the station in front of the ticket counter. It was a bad, annoying day, and he was exhausted by the time he reached the dorm. He fell asleep right away on the floor of the main room—he didn't want his bed to be dirty with sweat and dust. It didn't even occur to him that he had not had his lunch. All he had that day was a little, hurried breakfast.

When he woke up, it was already time to go practising. Following the trainees, he had forgotten at all that he had not eaten. During dance practice, fatigue washed over him, and everything went black. He collapsed to the floor, fainted.

.

The next time he woke up, Hoseok was lying on a bed. The ceiling looked strange to him. He had never seen it. He was sure he had never slept in this room.

Beside the bed, Yoongi was sitting wearing earphones with laptop on his thighs charging to the nearest electric socket. He was staring at the screen seriously, humming a tune that Hoseok had never heard before.

"What song is that?"

Yoongi didn't seem to hear him, so Hoseok tugged at his arm and asked the second time.

"Hey, you're awake. We're in the medical room. You fainted. Remember?"

Hoseok paused before saying, "Yeah, I think. You brought me here, _hyung_?"

Yoongi gave an ambiguous shrug, rolling his earphones. Hoseok assumed it was affirmative, because Yoongi would definitely clearly state it if it was otherwise.

"Thank you, _hyung_."

Yoongi nodded to it.

" _Hyung_ , why do you always help me," Hoseok asked without an inflection, his tone tired.

"You didn't eat today, did you?"

Hoseok was annoyed with the fact that Yoongi avoided his questions twice. He answered an ambiguous "Hm."

"Let's go eat," said Yoongi, shutting his laptop, pulling out the charger. "The practice is already over, and I'm taking care of you. Let's eat somewhere."

Hoseok was surprised. "Practice is over? Really? What time is it?"

"Let me see…, it's already ten. We should hurry, or we won't be able to fill your stomach."

Hoseok really wanted to practise, but his body felt listless. Giving up, he got up and stretched with a yawn.

"What were you working on, _hyung_?" He tried to ask the second time.

Yoongi scratched his head. "A song. To relieve myself. Just a personal project."

Hoseok opened the door. "Nice melody. I'm sure I'll get hooked with the finished song. Got a title?"

"Hm," Yoongi walked out. " _Tomorrow_."

"Okay," Hoseok paused. "Today, let's eat pizza. Tomorrow, eat healthy."

Yoongi grinned silently, shaking his head at it.

~ᶋ~

The year was just entering June. The air got hotter. Hoseok was focusing more on composing, so these days, late at night after the trainees' usual regular practice, he went to Big Hit to consult with Hyowon and other producers. He would go back to dorm with other trainees, take a bath, and go to Big Hit—composing, consulting, and recording until past midnight. Sometimes he also made some choreography for some songs they had created that stole his interest. He gained much enjoyment doing those, since he was much more used to and more familiar with dancing. The other trainees (except Hunchul) would tag along with him on several occasions—when they were not tired.

That day, Thursday—or technically already Friday—he came back to dorm around one. Having used to sleeping late, he had trouble sleeping earlier than midnight, though very sleepy was he upon waking up. A new trainee would join them in the dorm on Friday. Hoseok had seen him once when he was doing audition. What a voice he had! What tiny, innocent frame he owned! Seeing him then, Hoseok just knew that Big Hit had managed to obtain a gem. What was his name? Something Jongguk?

Hoseok, dressed in plain shirt and cotton pants, pushed the front door and locked it. He immediately changed his clothes to something thinner for sleep. He tiredly dragged himself to the kitchen and drink. Returning to the main room, he heard a very subtle sob. Very subtle, you could barely notice. He blinked. Opening the bedroom door slowly, he found everyone asleep. He counted. Three, four…, two are missing, and that would be he himself and somebody else—somebody who was probably sobbing.

He slowly closed the door and looked around. Seeing the bathroom lamp switch turned on, he approached the bathroom, pushed the door slowly, and found someone—sitting on the dry part of the floor, hugging his legs, his head buried in arms.

The short, big frame that kept being pushed to the limits by exercises, the outgrown hair that was meant to serve as a hiding place. The pale skin that was prisoned under roofs, afraid to see the outside world and its piercing sunlight.

"Yoongi- _hyung_ ," Hoseok muttered softly.

He bent his legs in front of the weeping boy. Yoongi raised his head a little, glancing at him with red eyes full of sorrow. The sorrow that hung in the air, the sorrow stuck in Yoongi, the sorrow tugging at Hoseok. The sorrow that caught and gripped both of them by the insides, stirring them in complex shape of sadness.

"I can't do it," Yoongi mumbled in an undertone.

Hoseok sighed painfully, taking a seat beside the older. Before he could give a second thought, he ran his fingers through Yoongi's hair. Moving his thumb, brushing the black lines.

"I feel that way too," Hoseok's voice cracked. "I could only hope. I'm hoping I won't break. I'm hoping that they wouldn't kick me out. I'm hoping that we could be stronger together."

Yoongi sobbed, but he let out no noise. A few moments passed, and he let go of his leg, straightening his back, wiping his tears.

"I … just want to debut," said Yoongi. "I, too, can only hope … that success would compensate … all this."

Hoseok looked at him, put his arm around his shoulder, caressing lightly. They stayed still, the clock outside ticking, the darkness of night far above them, the silence they maintained encouraging enough.

"I got you, _hyung_. We fight together. We will get to debut together. The members will soon enough be confirmed. Eventually, everything will fall into place—the place we want. You—you literally catch me when I fall, you did, and I will always get your back like this. I always hope, for you, for me, for all of us—that everything would be fine."

Yoongi took a deep breath, and finally turned to Hoseok. Robbing him of all the warmth in his eyes. All the warmth he shared through the embrace and gentle encouragement. The warmth that Hoseok radiated was unceasing, because he always hoped, and Yoongi _gave_ him back that warmth. One cycle of consolation, the both of them.

 _Will you stay by my side?_

 _Will you promise me?_

"Promise me?" Yoongi asked, slowly, hesitatedly. "That you will … stay by my side?"

 _If I touch you, you'll fly away and break,_

 _I'm scared, scared of that._

They looked at each other in the eyes. Yoongi found much comfort, Hoseok felt at home—in the closeness of their limbs, in the silence, in the tension, in the depths of their own heartbeats.

"Yes…, I promise."

This time, Hoseok felt no peculiarity in his own words.

The sky was black and the sun was not shining. The day had passed the middle of the night and Hoseok might not be fully aware of the responsibility he had promised.

But the moon was beaming and the stars were gleaming. Hoseok might as well forget himself and the world, as the vulnerable boy in front of him had become the only thing he could see, hear, feel. Yoongi had become a tittle the universe wind around, the being he wanted to keep in tight embrace.

So he took Yoongi's arm, stood up, and smiled. Bringing the older to the bed. They slept on the top bunk bed, Yoongi snuggling up to him, Hoseok touching Yoongi's back in soft, slow strokes. They muttered no words since the promise, the contacts made only through eyes and tender caressings, but Hoseok was sure that they were both content just like this. Just still and connected.

The tide in them subsided, and they slept in each other's warmth until sun welcomed.

Yoongi woke up first. Smelling Hoseok's woodlike scent. Smiling.

 _Will you stop time?_

 _If this moment passes,_

 _As though it hadn't happened,_

 _I'm scared, scared I'll lose you._

Yoongi saw the light fluttering on Hoseok's strands of hair. Then, time stopped. How he wished it would stop forever.

 _A little sunshine on your frowning eyebrows_ _,_

 _Your softly wavering hair_ _._

 _My heart that is drunk on your scent_ _,_

 _S_ _troking your two cheeks like your arms_ _._

 _Li_ _ke dust that gently drifts along_ _,_

 _Y_ _ou're there but for some reason I can't reach you_ _._

Those eyelashes flew open. The heartwarming pair of eyes that immediately behold to Yoongi's, as if they were created only to do so. It sent Yoongi a cold burning in his chest, drowning in the sky, conscious in a slumber, contradictory things that only Hoseok were capable of putting him through. It was nothing more than a naked pair of eyes, sleepy, not exactly bathed in light, not with the touch of beautification either. Nevertheless, Yoongi found the warmth there, the warmth he felt belonged to, and he craved for it. He craved and he was scared, apprehensive, anxious.

But in this moment—

 _Don't think of anything_ _._

 _Don't say anything, not even a word_ _._

 _Just give me a smile_ _._

In the stopping of time, Yoongi inhaled, and exhaled. He finally could feel his own breathing.


End file.
